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I'm so bummed!

2K views 29 replies 18 participants last post by  Gurj 
#1 · (Edited)
i just found out my cousin may have a job offer in california. he's there now: didn't know he has been there all week. no one but his wife knows about it. he is in a layoff situation like me. we're like brothers and have been together forever. growing up in separate homes, and apart for the earlier years, it is uncanny how we are so close in friendship and the arts. we jammed a lot, formed a couple bands, recorded. he is an animation artist..toy story type stuff, into photoshop as well, etc. he is also my other photographer who shoots weddings and bands with me. he edits video and photo as well; it's almost as if we're the same person....pc, art and music geeks. weddings are fun since we hang out, grab a starbucks halfway, and continue to shoot. it's not even work...since we're working together. we have been through a lot over these years. we're 35 and 34. both married, with a kid each (mine on the way.) close friends have moved on before but this one would really hit too close to home. so we talked tonight and he asked what he should do. man, i don't know, do what you feel is best, weigh all the options, financially, mentally, trying to sell your home, etc.....but in the end....don't move away...hehe.

job not offered yet but it looks good he thinks. i hope he gets it; he deserves it...then again, to leave your family behind for a job? i just can't do that. it's for Apple, working in their ipod and design division...graphics and animation, etc. they flew him out there last weekend for interviewing, gave him a new laptop, iphone, ipod...enjoy yourself....HEY LOOK WHAT YOU COULD HAVE.....LOOK HOW GREAT WE ARE....etc etc. it is the dream job for him. money is better but cost of living is high of course in CA. he is beside himself and confused. tough call......good luck selling the house as well. it would be a massive hole back here at home with him gone. me and my brother see him as a brother. seems like the older we get the more difficult it is to hold things together!

that's life..........that's what all the people say......
 
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#5 ·
Obviously no one has entered this thread yet who has never had a buddy be closer than a brother before. Because the subject matter might seem a little...ehh, queer unless you've been there before. :rolleyes:

I've got a buddy whom I didn’t even know until the end of my JR year of high school. That was about 5-6 years ago now. We weren't even that good of friends in school but after we graduated, through certain circumstances we ended up working together on almost every job we have had since then. We used to build houses in a very cavalier way and putting your life in someone else’s hands on a regular basis tends to help you bond. Alas, he is living in Oregon now with his fiancé and I don’t get to see him anymore. The good news is that he is coming back for the summer and is going to move back to Alaska to start a business with me when his fiancé graduates in a couple years.

I can only imagine how you must feel faced with the chance of hardly ever seeing your chum again. BUT on the other hand I think you have got the right thing in mind. If you care for the guy you aught to encourage him to do what’s best for him and his family.
 
#6 ·
Obviously no one has entered this thread yet who has never had a buddy be closer than a brother before. Because the subject matter might seem a little...ehh, queer unless you've been there before. :rolleyes:

I've got a buddy whom I didn't even know until the end of my JR year of high school. That was about 5-6 years ago now. We weren't even that good of friends in school but after we graduated, through certain circumstances we ended up working together on almost every job we have had since then. We used to build houses in a very cavalier way and putting your life in someone else's hands on a regular basis tends to help you bond. Alas, he is living in Oregon now with his fiancé and I don't get to see him anymore. The good news is that he is coming back for the summer and is going to move back to Alaska to start a business with me when his fiancé graduates in a couple years.

I can only imagine how you must feel faced with the chance of hardly ever seeing your chum again. BUT on the other hand I think you have got the right thing in mind. If you care for the guy you aught to encourage him to do what's best for him and his family.
i have a similar situation. that guy started out as my drummer. he became my best friend. about 4 years ago he got fed up with the city that i still live in, and he just uprooted in about 2 weeks. i stay in contact with him, talk to him about once a month and visit him on his birthday. it's funny how some bands can form lasting bonds, when some rip people apart.

rich
 
#7 ·
My family lives all over the world, and with my sister, brother in law and their kids moving to Australia shortly, we'll have representation on every continent shortly. Difficult to see them, but it makes the odd visit even more worthwhile - and it gives you somewhere to stay free when you travel!

There's always a bright side. Really, you should be happy for them.
 
#8 ·
Kinda sad we've become such a fractured society. The family unit no longer is considered a local community deal. It's now spread out over a region or even further, nationally coast to coast or worse, internationally.

Guess it helps shorten the distance somewhat now that we view our electronic communication age as a necessity as opposed to the luxury it really is.

But even with the internet, web cams, instant cell phone conversations and pics..... none of that replaces a good old fashion hug or hand shake that bonds humans.

Shred.... unfortunately it's just another reality of our changing world. I can tell you as you get older the impact it has will surface and become more apparent. Ahhhh heck.... just think, one day it will be your child leaving home.... ;)
 
#9 ·
I played in bands with a guy I met from 92 on and we became real close, getting each other jobs and helping out our respective families. We got in trouble together, grew up together... Worked together for about 10 years straight in one way or another. I just moved in August 07 and it's been hard not having him to confide in and hang with. I'm opening up a rehearsal/recording/teaching studio out here and in 2 months he's moving up here to work with me on it... Close friends are a rare thing. Good luck
 
#10 · (Edited)
you guys are right, it's it's unfortunate. he's pretty upset about it but is looking at the money (not too much more $$$) and the co. he would be with. i told him if anyone deserves the job it is him...and good luck...but call if you need to BS about stuff. he would sell his photo gear since he wouldn't be shooting anymore except for around the house, which also bums him out.

jemplayer, you're right. at least we have the communications which are great, but it can't replace the good old hang out and BS sessions. i'm having a bday thing with family on the weekend and they will be there for that. that will sway him. he almost wishes they would take another candidate so he wouldn't have to decide. his wife would have to stay back with the baby while he is paying rent in CA, which makes it more rough. there was a job i may have had a good chance with, but, with lots of travel...paris, london, washington, stuff like that. sounds exciting, and although it would have been great photo ops, i'm not a traveler. my gut instinct said forget it. i would be gone from anywhere between 2 weeks to 3 months at a time straight...no flying home on weekends! plus, i hate flying. with the baby on the way, and limited friends and family time, i need to be around. i would never change my life for a job, but that's me.
 
#11 ·
sorry to hear about this bud. I hope you guys will find a way to remain close.

I am currently dealing with a similar situation as your cousin is (I could take a job that would enhance my career & make a lot more money, but I would have to move away from my family and girlfriend of 3 yrs who has 1 more year in college.) It is really tearing me apart, and I cant even imagine how much more difficult it is for him (with a wife & kid and being a homeowner).

anyways, I know how much this sucks and how it's affecting you, and I wish you guys the best of luck making the best decision.
 
#12 ·
Shred.... can't say I've been in quite the same situation. But things will work out one way or another. You guys will figure out a way to accept whatever happens and work on keeping in touch.

On a somewhat similar note though, I did work with another guitar player years ago. Definitely party animals when we were together. Got to be pretty damn good friends. Anyway, long story short.... after a few years we went our separate ways. Not too sure we'd stay in touch though.

Anyway, he now lives in Utah and like me dabbles with his music as a past time. We still stay in touch via e-mail or phone. But we also have friends who are still active in the business on the "geriatric tours". They are from Florida too, so one way or another we keep tabs on what's happening.

Heck, we've tried to arrange vacation time together.... his family and mine. Hasn't happen yet, but I'm sure at some point we'll work out the logistics and it'll happen. We've talked about trailering our scoots to some predetermined point like Austin/San Marcos and then doing a week or two's worth of riding to like the Grand Canyon and the SW.

So that alone is something to look forward to, not to mention it's one more thing/interest (motorcycles) we mutually have in common between couples. That's the tough part.... It ain't just about us two party animals anymore.... we've got wives and families to consider too. ;)
 
#13 ·
If it truly is his dream job then he has to give it a go or he'll forever be wondering what might have been. If he turned it down and hit on hard times at home would he feel a little resentment at you for talking him out of it and how would you then feel knowing you held him back.

It HAS to be his decision to live or fall by, and if you truly are that close then you will always be an important part of each others lives no matter what the distance.

Tough situation but golden opportunities in life don't pop up in front of us very often. Hopefully you can be proud of him if he succeeds and stand by him if he falls. True friendship can survive very tough times.
 
#15 ·
yeah, all great points. i told him he has to make his own decision. i just pointed out the great sides and the bad sides. i think he needed to hear it again from someone else. i just spelled out the pros and cons. one con is his mother / my 2nd cousin, is battling cancer. it's not too bad, thank God, but to leave with those conditions as well...that's just too huge. and, he is her only child. again, i told him there is much to think about. seems like the answer is obvious....if you really wanted to do something in life you really wouldn't think about it right? you just do it.

david m., i am glad i'm not in your situation. you guys have a lot to think about man. i wish you well and i hope the decision isn't too taxing on your mind!

steve
 
#16 ·
yeah, all great points. i told him he has to make his own decision. i just pointed out the great sides and the bad sides. i think he needed to hear it again from someone else. i just spelled out the pros and cons. one con is his mother / my 2nd cousin, is battling cancer. it's not too bad, thank God, but to leave with those conditions as well...that's just too huge. and, he is her only child. again, i told him there is much to think about. seems like the answer is obvious....if you really wanted to do something in life you really wouldn't think about it right? you just do it.

david m., i am glad i'm not in your situation. you guys have a lot to think about man. i wish you well and i hope the decision isn't too taxing on your mind!

steve
Shred.... Not trying to give you any grief here but he probably doesn't need you to point out the "pros and con's" of his decision. And reminding him about his mothers condition is kinda a cheap shot if you ask me.

Look, his mom could just as easily be killed driving down the street tomorrow.... Besides, trying to "guilt" someone to hang around could appear pretty damn selfish. Again, I'm not giving you grief..... but those are issues best discussed between him and his mother or his wife. You don't have a say in that even though it's your 2nd cousin.

Besides.... she (his mom) may want him to better himself and family, and as long as she's comfortable with that, that's what counts. Besides, it sounds like there is other "family" around to offer support should she require it. Maybe you should point that out too!

As far as "just doing it"..... when you're young it's much simpler to make snap decisions and change your life course. But as you age, acquire more responsibility, and the wisdom regarding major decisions.... it's inevitable a person will weigh over their decision and not just jump in feet first.

I will say this..... anyone who offers you a "once in a lifetime" shot at something requiring a drastic change in your life should give you time to weigh it over. If they don't or won't.... odds are it's to their benefit only and they could really care less about you and/or your success.

Change is an inevitable part of of life..... striving to be the best or do your best will require change. If that means a change of scenery (location) then you have to do what's best. Plus..... there will be times that making a change doesn't appear to pay big rewards right off the bat! But if in the long run, the "pros" outweigh the "con's" then I say go for it! "Man" up and do what's necessary.... otherwise you'll always wonder "what if" and destine to be your own prisoner.

I can't imagine anything worse than wondering "what if" years down the road because someone or something became a "ball and chain" in your life decisions. Take the issues at heart, make a decision, but remember.... it's you that has to be happy with your choice! That's when it's time to be selfish for "you" and to put everyone else's selfish agenda aside. That's my take.... YMMV ;)
 
#17 · (Edited)
You misunderstood. i didn't remind him of his mother's condition. that was an fyi for the forum. he brought that up a few times on the phone and asked me repeatedly what he should do. i said it is up to him. i'm not the type of person to guilt anyone into anything. i wasn't raised like that. everyone has their own mind and i will not be the blame for something going wrong. i tallied the pros and cons for him to help weigh things out. i'm a neutral party. when asked for advice i try to make people see more clearly, if i choose to get involved at all. i always emphasize it's YOUR decision. thanks for your opinion but i can't help but feel you're coming across a little strong on this. I realize things in life happen for a reason. been through a lot, like most people. It's just unfortunate if it were to happen.
 
#18 ·
the move is a no-brainer. plus it might open doors for others such as yourself that you can't otherwise see now.

sure it would be tough to lose a "brother" like that half-way across the USA but with your age and kids coming that is inevitable, even if he lived around the corner... glen
 
#19 ·
Maybe, this is a chance for both of you to make new friends. I moved across an ocean but, I still talk to my family and friends weekly. I only see in the flesh them once a year but, good family and friends don't fold over distance. You can keep him as a brother and maybe now make a few more.

I understand how you feel 'cause I have gone through it. And it's not going to be easy. Heck, I can't even speak Japanese well enough to make friends in the normal manner. So trust me I know it's tough to loose your automatic best friend, go to hang out man. That being said, over time you'll meet people that don't replace others but, add to your family. Friends and guitars are 2 things you can never have too many of.

It's hard but, what in life isn't?

If you have Skype that helps too. If you both have it, you can buy little computer cameras and talk for free and in video any time you want. That's how I keep in touch with the people back in California.
 
#22 · (Edited)
Jemplayer, i can always count on you to pull out all the stops when going for someone's throat. just lurking the threads to find something to pull apart. you may say you're just being honest but work on your tact. just a thought. what words from my last post didn't you understand? i can't make it any simpler for you. i maintain neutral, HE brought up his mom and HE kept asking me what i would do and I said it is up to him. i spent an hour just listening to him. what do you care if i post issues such as this...others have posted deeper stuff!

he frequents this site, so he knows, and has no issue with me posting here to strangers. interesting how you refer to jemsiters as strangers. i think of them as quite the opposite. i never said "hey your mom has cancer you should stay...what if something happens to her!" find me THAT quote. your stalker presence takes all the fun out of being on forums. see you all around.

Mich - nice one :)
 
#25 ·
Jemplayer, i can always count on you to pull out all the stops when going for someone's throat. just lurking the threads to find something to pull apart. you may say you're just being honest but work on your tact. just a thought. what words from my last post didn't you understand? i can't make it any simpler for you. i maintain neutral, HE brought up his mom and HE kept asking me what i would do and I said it is up to him. i spent an hour just listening to him. what do you care if i post issues such as this...others have posted deeper stuff!

he frequents this site, so he knows, and has no issue with me posting here to strangers. interesting how you refer to jemsiters as strangers. i think of them as quite the opposite. i never said "hey your mom has cancer you should stay...what if something happens to her!" find me THAT quote. your stalker presence takes all the fun out of being on forums. see you all around.

Mich - nice one :)
I can't believe you think I was "going for your throat" as you so dramatically put it! It seems like anytime you don't hear (read) what you want, you get all defensive. If you took the time to read my posts CAREFULLY without letting your emotions get the best of you.... anything I said is pretty much common sense.

Funny you'll surely offer up information to get others to sympathise with how this will affect you, but completely miss showing real compassion offering him reassurance other than a few generic kudo's. Just re-read your posts dude!

so we talked tonight and he asked what he should do. man, i don't know, do what you feel is best, weigh all the options, financially, mentally, trying to sell your home, etc.....but in the end....don't move away...hehe.
i hope he gets it; he deserves it...then again, to leave your family behind for a job? i just can't do that.
he is beside himself and confused. tough call......good luck selling the house as well.
i told him if anyone deserves the job it is him...and good luck...but call if you need to BS about stuff.
Damn supportive of you there....

i'm having a bday thing with family on the weekend and they will be there for that. that will sway him.
If he frequents here as you say.... did you even consider how manipulative that statement was?

i would never change my life for a job, but that's me.
Or how about how "neutral" that one might appear to him or the rest of us?

If you want sympathy great...... but don't expect everyone to pat you on the back..... empathize with your position? Sure.... most have and can, but several have expressed you need to offer support and put your emotions aside.

Heck, your posts possibly reflect more concern for yourself than him.

That is truly sad for your friend! Especially if he frequents this site!

You say you didn't know for a week and only his wife knew.... I'm sure he had a good reason for withholding it..... could your posts reflect that?

As far as fellow Jemsiters.... Probably the vast majority of us haven't met in person. So to state that we are really strangers is probably pretty damn factual. I might offer up trust to a fellow jemsiter earlier than some "joe" off the street, yes! But to think I really "know" anybody here by just reading their posts is pretty foolish!

Or was bringing that tidbit up a lame attempt to garner some "upper hand"? What..... Hoping others may see it as offensive? Jeez.....

Tact? For Christ sakes..... you know, the last time you posted a thread with a similar theme, (me, me, me..... my dilemma) when I offered some point blank, man to man advice you reacted the same way!

BTW.... stop editing your original posts..... because it's surely not for spelling alone!

Well rest assured..... I won't attempt to post in anymore "Dear Abby" type threads you feel the need to post! Satisfied sweetie? You can unbind your panties now!
 
#23 ·
i just found out my cousin may have a job offer in california. he's there now: didn't know he has been there all week. no one but his wife knows about it. he is in a layoff situation like me. we're like brothers and have been together forever. growing up in separate homes, and apart for the earlier years, it is uncanny how we are so close in friendship and the arts. we jammed a lot, formed a couple bands, recorded. he is an animation artist..toy story type stuff, into photoshop as well, etc. he is also my other photographer who shoots weddings and bands with me. he edits video and photo as well; it's almost as if we're the same person....pc, art and music geeks. weddings are fun since we hang out, grab a starbucks halfway, and continue to shoot. it's not even work...since we're working together. we have been through a lot over these years. we're 35 and 34. both married, with a kid each (mine on the way.) close friends have moved on before but this one would really hit too close to home. so we talked tonight and he asked what he should do. man, i don't know, do what you feel is best, weigh all the options, financially, mentally, trying to sell your home, etc.....but in the end....don't move away...hehe.

job not offered yet but it looks good he thinks. i hope he gets it; he deserves it...then again, to leave your family behind for a job? i just can't do that. it's for Apple, working in their ipod and design division...graphics and animation, etc. they flew him out there last weekend for interviewing, gave him a new laptop, iphone, ipod...enjoy yourself....HEY LOOK WHAT YOU COULD HAVE.....LOOK HOW GREAT WE ARE....etc etc. it is the dream job for him. money is better but cost of living is high of course in CA. he is beside himself and confused. tough call......good luck selling the house as well. it would be a massive hole back here at home with him gone. me and my brother see him as a brother. seems like the older we get the more difficult it is to hold things together!

that's life..........that's what all the people say......
Dude just wish him the best dude. Tell him to follow what his heart is saying thats the best for this situation. Like you said he has a great opportunity he should go for it if its what he's been waiting for. Look on the bright side you have good reason to go out to Cali if he goes out there. Plus you can take your family out there and visit also. Its not like he is moving to Europe look at it in a different positive light. First and foremost he should do what makes him happy even if its taking this opportunity. If you do similar work you never know you could get hooked up also if he able to do that but in the beginning stage its unlikely. Networking is key.
 
#24 ·
I am glad you took my post for what it was, humor.

We all go to work everyday for one reason or another. Generally it's to give our family's a better life and to give our children better opportunities than we had. I have taken multiple transfers and they have all paid big dividends, new friends, great business contacts, more money, and a higher position in a company.
And thru these steps I have taken, I have opened doors for my nephews, my brothers and my friends to get further also.

Just because he's moving forward, it doesnt mean he wont be looking back and offering you the same hand I gave to my family.
 
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