Daughters and dating

[Darin]

Are you a parent? How do you approch it? Do you have a double standard for you son(s)?

[CosmicDebris]

One more year till I have to worry bout that.

[DEADTUNES666]

I have a 15 year old daughter (16 in August), a 9 year old son, a 5 year old daughter, and a 3 year old daughter...Basically the full sh!t platter (in a good way)

The oldest is blossoming in many wonderful, not so wonderful, sad, depressing and good ways. Again, basically the full sh!t platter...

We keep a tight reign on things, or as much as possible while still allowing a certain freedom to a budding young woman. This is both scary, and necessary. We moved in Aug 07 to an area that is much safer, and slower in terms of living life. This was the year before our daughter was to start High School...

She runs track, has some questionable girl friends, some stand up girl friends but no boyfriends that we know of. Her grades are good but have slipped from the constant honor roll of the years preceding this one. When she goes anywhere we speak to the parents to make sure she is where she says! We much prefer her here at our house and try to be accommodating to her friends. We expect more from our children but not unrealistically. I figure expect less and they'll give us less...

The oldest is going through the normal teen traumas and we have been to a therapist so everyone can see the others' side. It's a bit pricey but worth it in the end.

Everyone has a daily chore list and is expected to pull their weight, I feel this gives them not only a sense of belonging, but accomplishment as well. They are important to the well being of the family and without all of us doing our part we cease to function properly. We also remind them of their worth from time to time...

My wife and are both victims of sexual abuse from when we were children, because our parents weren't there!! We have never used baby sitters and do not allow anyone else to watch our children. One of us is always there. The exception has been our parents but only on the rarest of occasions. Having children meant the world to us and we do not want to fvck it up. Our ultimate goal is to not have our children molested, killed, drugged out, or pregnant before they turn 18.

One of the inspiring quotes for me before we had kids was this one...

"The greatest thing a Father can do for his children, is to love their Mother!"

We have sacrificed a lot in order to keep our family safe, but what can I say my wife is the greatest woman I have ever known and has always had my deepest respect. Our children are the product of our love for each other....There is nothing I would not sacrifice for any of them...

Sorry for the rambling...

[OLIE_ROCKS_THE_80'S]

^^^^^^^^^^^^keep up the family values!!!^^^^^^^^^^

[vaitamin7v]

I don't have kids only family is my guitars. when kids date give them advice to be safe. don't ban them till 18 as I think they will still date with bad results.

[jb4674]

I don't have a daughter but, I'm hoping that the rest of the family members that are to come in the future will be boys but, you never know.............

My son is still 4 months old going on 5 and I won't have to deal with the birds and the bees conversation for quite sometime.

Jimmy

[Darin]

Imagine you own a pristine Chromeboy, and some teenager you don't really even know, that can't play in tune wants to borrow it for a "gig", which is a party at his friends house. Do you think you'd let him? The damage done to your Chromie cannot be undone. Ever. But hey, it's going to get scratched sometime anyway right?. Od you have a showroom 60's era Vette. And you neighbor boy wants to borrow it. He says he's only going to drive it slow. Do you trust him to keep his foot of the pedal when he's around his friends? I suspect that some people would hesitate at these things, yet still let some horn dog teenage boy date their daughter. The damage cannot ever be undone. Now with all that come personal responcibility on the daughters part. But as you guys know, boys will say ANYTHING IT TAKES. It's a fine line of protection, sheltering, freedom, liberty and resposibility. I don't think young couples should be 'active' before marrige. Creating opportunity for it is the first mistake.

You really need to define dating I guess. Time alone is out of the question. Time alone at night with no accoutability is not an option. Time with a group of friends. Not a problem. A boy coming over our house. Ok. My daughter and a boy alone? Nope.

[kotornut]

All I have to say is. If the boys think anything like I did in high school, my future daughters can not even talk to them. And I was one of the good kids.

I'm so scared because my wife is really hot and I know that it's hereditary. I just hope they are really smart and stay away from stupid guys.

[Rotti]

You have to teach your children as much as you can and hope that they make good choices. Anyone who thinks that they can control thier teenage son or daughters every move is fooling themselves.

[Brosa]

Originally Posted by Darin

Imagine you own a pristine Chromeboy, and some teenager you don't really even know, that can't play in tune wants to borrow it for a "gig", which is a party at his friends house. Do you think you'd let him? The damage done to your Chromie cannot be undone. Ever. But hey, it's going to get scratched sometime anyway right?. Od you have a showroom 60's era Vette. And you neighbor boy wants to borrow it. He says he's only going to drive it slow. Do you trust him to keep his foot of the pedal when he's around his friends? I suspect that some people would hesitate at these things, yet still let some horn dog teenage boy date their daughter. The damage cannot ever be undone. Now with all that come personal responcibility on the daughters part. But as you guys know, boys will say ANYTHING IT TAKES. It's a fine line of protection, sheltering, freedom, liberty and resposibility. I don't think young couples should be 'active' before marrige. Creating opportunity for it is the first mistake.

You really need to define dating I guess. Time alone is out of the question. Time alone at night with no accoutability is not an option. Time with a group of friends. Not a problem. A boy coming over our house. Ok. My daughter and a boy alone? Nope.

Darin,

I understand the point you are trying to make, and i think you can't really compare people with cars and guitars.

Damage will always occur and that's a good thing, because people make mistakes and learn from it. That's how you will become an adult.

Most people, even young teenage boys, DO have values and would never hurt your daughter or anyone else. People tend to want do the good thing so i have faith in mankind as a race.

Now, i do think it's a good thing to keep the "time alone thing" to a extreme minimum and especially at a young age like 16.

However, i think it's more important to teach your children good values so that when given the opportunity (and opportunities always occur) they can make the right choice. And not just about dating, but this goes for all things.

I understand your worries and feelings as a parent. Please don't let those feelings cloud your judgement and keep listening to your daughter and try to always maintain a dialogue.

Sam.

[Tank]

16? To bring you up to date to some hard facts...

Average age a girl has her first sexual contact to a boy: 13.2
Average age a girl has her first sexual intercourse: 15.1

Number of unwanted pregnancy below 18 has risen 30% over the last 10 years.
Number of traumatic first sex experiences has risen 48% over the last 10 years.

Rather alarming also: Young teens are now starting to go straight to sexual intercourse. The "old way" like we had in our youth like making out etc. are going away. Today it is going to "full throttle" or nothing.

This numbers are from a survey of the World Health Organization, published to gynecologists (Pal of mine is one and gets rather depressed about the problems of young women lately...). Above numbers are for US, for middle Europe you can substract 0.6 years, but strangely also cut 14% from traumatic experiences.

[GilkyBear]

Originally Posted by Rotti

You have to teach your children as much as you can and hope that they make good choices. Anyone who thinks that they can control thier teenage son or daughters every move is fooling themselves.

Absolutely right. Remember when you were a kid? I do.

I think the best you can do is to raise your kids properly and teach them how to make the right decisions even when you are not there. They will be in that position eventually, if not at home, then after they go off t college or whatever. The point is, it IS going to happen, you just hope you raised them well enough to make good decisions.

A few things I have noticed ( in general!!) growing up...

The stricter the parents, the wilder the kids. If you have never dated a teacher's, preacher's, or cop's daughter, you are letting one of the finest things in life pass you by.

ALL of my friends whose parents smoked dope openly around them, barely tried it if at all, and none of them have for years and years. No idea why, maybe they thought it wasn't cool because their parents were doing it.

In the military community, the strictest parents' daughters are 99% of the time pregnant by 15 or 16 years old.

[Tank]

Originally Posted by GilkyBear

Absolutely right. Remember when you were a kid? I do.

I think the best you can do is to raise your kids properly and teach them how to make the right decisions even when you are not there. They will be in that position eventually, if not at home, then after they go off t college or whatever. The point is, it IS going to happen, you just hope you raised them well enough to make good decisions.

A few things I have noticed ( in general!!) growing up...

The stricter the parents, the wilder the kids. If you have never dated a teacher's, preacher's, or cop's daughter, you are letting one of the finest things in life pass you by.

ALL of my friends whose parents smoked dope openly around them, barely tried it if at all, and none of them have for years and years. No idea why, maybe they thought it wasn't cool because their parents were doing it.

In the military community, the strictest parents' daughters are 99% of the time pregnant by 15 or 16 years old.

You are so right! This is the way to go, I am totally with you.

Plus: If your children make mistakes (which WILL happen), then do not dismiss them or give them an hourlong shouting attack. Be understanding and help them and support them to put things right. Shouting and attacking them will gain you nothing.

[ken_r152]

I agree with all of the above. As backwards as it sounds, with most people I have known the more strict their parents were, the more rebellious the kids were. And that rebellion continued on right through adulthood. Talking *A LOT* about the "important things" before they have a chance to happen is key, especially since you cannot ever predict when situations are likely to pop up. Your kids' response needs to be quick and sure when a situation pops up, and comes from talking and thinking about it ahead of time.

Good luck!

[Ibateur]

I have two daughters and I sometimes dread the day they turn 14.

I basically raise them (together with my wonderful wife, naturally) with general right vs wrong ideas and let them choose their way. They are nowhere near the sex age yet, but we hope that we are preparing them for those choices. The problem with this is that (like classical evil in literature), the "wrong" typically is stuff that appears great and enjoyable. The good almost always looks boring.

Kids find it hard to choose between the two. For example, my wife was sick one day. In the morning she told my eldest that "no playing with friends today because I'm sick". At end of school, my daughter goes to her and asks "can I play with ...?". My wife said "you decide".

My daughter decided to play with her friend... I get home and my wife is dead tired because my daugther wasn't there to help her with chores and stuff.