Favourite jokes? - Page 13

Onimacaroni · #**181** 01-12-2007, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smitty

Do you EVER say ANYTHING ELSE?!?!?!

smitty

Its either

or +1, Im afraid

timi_h · #**182** 01-12-2007, 05:54 PM

how do you make a double bass stay in tune?
chop it up and make a xylophone

Roland · #**183** 01-12-2007, 06:29 PM

An old woman had decided that she had lived her life to the fullest and that it was time to check out. So she took out her deceased husband's revolver from the cupboard and prepared to commit suicide. However, she did not want to accidentially incapacitate herself instead of committing suicide, so she called the doctor and asked where the heart is located.
"The heart is located roughly three fingerwidths below the left nipple".
The next morning, an 80-year old woman was rushed to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left kneecap.

ScottB · #**184** 01-14-2007, 03:42 PM

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That is highly unlikely," says the doctor.

"Please, show me," So she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so on and so forth.

Finally the doctor looks at her and says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde, right?"

She looks surprised and says, "Yes, Doctor!!" "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

TongueShredder · #**185** 01-15-2007, 01:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScreamJem7

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That is highly unlikely," says the doctor.

"Please, show me," So she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so on and so forth.

Finally the doctor looks at her and says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde, right?"

She looks surprised and says, "Yes, Doctor!!" "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

hehehe good clean fun

fettouhi · #**186** 01-20-2007, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScreamJem7

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That is highly unlikely," says the doctor.

"Please, show me," So she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so on and so forth.

Finally the doctor looks at her and says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde, right?"

She looks surprised and says, "Yes, Doctor!!" "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Regards

André

guitarfarmer · #**187** 01-24-2007, 07:51 PM

To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Sh*g him
2. Leave him in peace ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc67FXHCtEg

Roland · #**188** 01-25-2007, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guitarfarmer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc67FXHCtEg

Dude, let me shake your hand. Star spangled banner on a saw-blade is a ****ing masterplan.

**jim777** · #**189** 02-09-2007, 12:41 PM

Just found this one in an old email:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a
business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the
side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the
table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping -Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your
mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that
black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!".

jemplayer55 · #**190** 02-09-2007, 12:57 PM

Jim...... that's a good one.

jemplayer55 · #**191** 02-09-2007, 01:01 PM

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"

TongueShredder · #**192** 02-09-2007, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jim777

Just found this one in an old email:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a
business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the
side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the
table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping -Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your
mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that
black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!".

Lol.....Its funny haha

andy7jem · #**193** 02-11-2007, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jemplayer55

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"

Demogorgos · #**194** 02-12-2007, 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roland

An old woman had decided that she had lived her life to the fullest and that it was time to check out. So she took out her deceased husband's revolver from the cupboard and prepared to commit suicide. However, she did not want to accidentially incapacitate herself instead of committing suicide, so she called the doctor and asked where the heart is located.
"The heart is located roughly three fingerwidths below the left nipple".
The next morning, an 80-year old woman was rushed to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left kneecap.

ROFLMAO

Regards,

JP

bammbamm · #**195** 02-13-2007, 12:30 PM

A man was speeding home near a known radar hiding spot for the police.
As he came over the bridge, down on the other side, sure enough was officer 'friendly' and his radar gun.
After the stop was initiated, the policeman asks the driver where he was going in such a hurry. The man replies,"I'm very late to work and I need to get there ASAP!"
The policeman asks, What do you do that requires such haste?"
The speeder replies," I'm a rectum stretcher."
Puzzled, the officer inqures further," Rectum...stretcher?!
"Yeah", the man replies, "1st I get a couple fingers in there, before long I get 'er opened up to about a 6 foot 3 a$$hole."
The cop says, a 6 foot 3 a$$hole, what do you do witha 6 foot 3 a$$hole?!"

The man replies, "Give 'em a radar gun and a uniform and set him on the other side of the bridge to stop speeders!"