Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies??
A: Up his sleevies.
Ay I love that joke! hehehehehehe
That was terrible.
Back on topic:
(courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield)
A hooker told me "Not on the first date."
Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.
I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice— I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.
Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own." He said "So will you."
With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.
I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.
Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'
I'm tellin' ya, I get no respect...