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post #271 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-16-2007, 05:18 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,366
Re: Favourite jokes?

Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies??

A: Up his sleevies.


Ay I love that joke! hehehehehehe
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post #272 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-16-2007, 06:05 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: london,uk
Posts: 6,512
Re: Favourite jokes?

In that case FN, there is a place in England called Felixstowe. So when people ask "where's Felixstowe?" you say "on the end of Felix' foot"!!!!

(.....while standing out of hitting distance )
andy7jem is offline  
post #273 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-16-2007, 06:23 PM
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dundee, Scotland
Posts: 515
Re: Favourite jokes?

A man walks into a Bar, his two friends point and laugh at his misfortune
apmaman is offline  
post #274 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-16-2007, 06:37 PM
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Ontario
Posts: 599
Re: Favourite jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FloridaNative View Post
Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies??

A: Up his sleevies.


Ay I love that joke! hehehehehehe
*blank stare*



That was terrible.




Back on topic:
(courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield)
A hooker told me "Not on the first date."
Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.
I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice— I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.
Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own." He said "So will you."
With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.
I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.
Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'
I'm tellin' ya, I get no respect...
Reaper is offline  
post #275 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-16-2007, 06:42 PM
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: usa
Posts: 2,612
Re: Favourite jokes?

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all , but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked?

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first."
jemplayer55 is offline  
post #276 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-16-2007, 07:48 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,366
Re: Favourite jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by andy7jem View Post
In that case FN, there is a place in England called Felixstowe. So when people ask "where's Felixstowe?" you say "on the end of Felix' foot"!!!!

(.....while standing out of hitting distance )
hehehehehehe Cute.
FloridaNative is offline  
post #277 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-16-2007, 07:50 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,366
Re: Favourite jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reaper View Post
*blank stare*



That was terrible.
To each his own.

A bear and a bunny standing side by side pooping in the woods. The bear looks down at the bunny and asks, "do you every have any problems with the poo sticking to your fur?" The bunny answers, "nope, that never happens to me." so the bear picks up the bunny and wipes his butt with him. hehehehe
FloridaNative is offline  
post #278 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-17-2007, 07:14 PM
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Ontario
Posts: 599
Re: Favourite jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FloridaNative View Post
To each his own.

A bear and a bunny standing side by side pooping in the woods. The bear looks down at the bunny and asks, "do you every have any problems with the poo sticking to your fur?" The bunny answers, "nope, that never happens to me." so the bear picks up the bunny and wipes his butt with him. hehehehe
The comment was meant to be light-hearted.

This last one was much better.
Reaper is offline  
post #279 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-17-2007, 07:35 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,366
Re: Favourite jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reaper View Post
The comment was meant to be light-hearted.

This last one was much better.
No worries. I'm not easy to offend.
FloridaNative is offline  
post #280 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-17-2007, 10:53 PM
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 420
Re: Favourite jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reaper View Post
*blank stare*



That was terrible.




Back on topic:
(courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield)
A hooker told me "Not on the first date."
Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.
I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice— I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.
Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own." He said "So will you."
With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.
I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning.
Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'
I'm tellin' ya, I get no respect...
epic. epic i tell ya
Lord Lemons is offline  
post #281 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-24-2007, 12:02 AM
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,596
Re: Favourite jokes?

There were three blokes, Ian, Daniel and Ryan. They were at the pub one day havin some drinks together and they got absolutely trashed. Ian had driven to the pub and stupidly, offered to drive everyone home. Of course, he crashed and they all died.

When they got to the pearly gates, St Paul said, "Welcome to heaven, you're allowed to do whatever you want but whatever you do, DONT step on the duck."
The guys were like, righto thats weird but okay whatever.

One day Ian and Ryan were walkin along together when they came across Daniel. He had this ugly as **** chick with him. Fat, buck teeth, grandma boobs, absoluetly disgusting. Ian and Ryan were like, "Why the hell do you have that broad with you?" and Daniel said, "I stepped on the duck."

So another day Ryan and Daniel were walkin along with the disgusting lady one day and came across Ian, who had a piss-ugly woman by his side. Curved back, balding, hunched over and a face like she'd been hit by a truck. Daniel and Ryan said, "Ian why the hell do you have that ugly piece of **** with you?" and Ian said, "I stepped on the duck."

So one day Daniel and Ian were walkin along with their ugly women and came along Ryan, who had this STUNNER on his arm. Looks like a model, great boobs, awesome body. They both were like, "Jesus Christ Ryan, how the hell did you score that?!" and Ryan said, "She stepped on the duck."
crevis is offline  
post #282 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-24-2007, 08:44 AM
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,596
Re: Favourite jokes?

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are
the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack. "Grumpy, my son," says the Pope,
"What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your
Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for
a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns
in Rome." In the background, a few of the dwarfs start
giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns
in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an
angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are
there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm
sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and
laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their
cheeks, as they begin chanting...... "Grumpy shagged a
penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
crevis is offline  
post #283 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-24-2007, 01:18 PM
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Oxfordshire
Posts: 2,236
Re: Favourite jokes?

A young boy asks his dad, 'Dad, what does love juice mean? They said it on TV last night.'

His Dad, thinks, Oh god, I guess I had better tell him the facts of life, so he sits down, and tells his son about the facts of life.

His son looks on in total horror.

Afterwards, the boys dad asks, 'So what were you watching on TV then?

The boy replied, 'Wimbledon'
Ant1981 is offline  
post #284 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-25-2007, 12:58 PM
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: usa
Posts: 2,612
Re: Favourite jokes?

Mother - Daughter Talk Between the Clintons

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.
Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.
Hillary said, "You didn't have sex did you?"
Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."
jemplayer55 is offline  
post #285 of 442 (permalink) Old 07-25-2007, 01:13 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,366
Re: Favourite jokes?

Two lions are eating a clown. One lion turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
FloridaNative is offline  
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