Favourite jokes? - Page 2

mike2558 · #16 02-04-2006, 02:35 AM

I wish my lawn was emo. Then it would cut itself.

fettouhi · #17 02-04-2006, 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mi2tom

here's mine
Lulu was a prostitute.
One day there was a raid.
All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took
them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and s*ck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted

Regards

André

Davey · #18 02-04-2006, 05:54 AM

Couple of good ones there mi2tom and mikoholica!

Liggy · #19 02-04-2006, 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mi2tom

here's mine
Lulu was a prostitute.
One day there was a raid.
All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took
them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and s*ck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted

PMSL

Two smackheads turn up with tools in hand, at a contruction site one day for a job.
One is beckoned into the office for his interview and once inside he his approached by the gaffer who says "to determine whether you get the job, all i want to know is the name of the four disciples"
Smackhead1 " thats easy.........MAtthew, Mark, Luke and John" he replied.
Gaffer " you have the job, well done.....now send your mate in"

He leaves the office and says to his mate "that was easy, all he wants to know is the name of the four disciples"
"four disciples?" his mate replied slightly confused.
"the four disciples.........Matthew, Mark,lu..." he cuts himself short "come here ill write it on your spade, then when your are in there and he asks you the question, turn your spade around, read the answer and tell him"
The smackhead2 agreed and went into office.

The gaffer approached him the same way as his mate has said:
"all i want from you to determine whether you have the job, is the name of the four disciples"
Smackhead2 swiftly turned his spade around so he could see his mates writing and replied:
"Matthew, Mark, SPEAR and JACKSON"

Ozzdoc · #20 02-04-2006, 12:18 PM

How do you stopa bunch of black people from fighting?

Through a basketball inbetween them

Algiman · #21 02-04-2006, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fettouhi

Sorry I thought you meant the movie "The Aristocrats".

Regards

André

The movie is based on a very old joke. The point is that the Arisocrats joke is very filthy and there are hundreds of variations about.

The joke is a bit Derek and Clive.

shredmaster · #22 02-09-2006, 10:58 PM

one day superman was flyin' around kinda bored when he noticed batman and spiderman on a rooftop looking at something across the way. curious, superman flew in to visit is friends.

as he landed, spiderman asked him what's up. ah, nothin'...kinda bored, not much crime to fight today. what are you guys doin'?

batman pointed across the rooftops to an open bay window where wonder woman was lying flat on her back completely nude on the bed.

OH MY GOD SHE'S MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I THOUGHT!!!! Superman exclaimed! then he had a thought......

hey you guys, with my speed and accuracy i bet i could swoop in there, take care of business and she would never know what hit her. both spiderman and batman thought otherwise. so the bet was on.

in one single swoop superman flew into the room, took care of business and was off like a flash before she could even get up. WHAT WAS THAT!!??!! she exclaimed.........

I DON'T KNOW BUT MY ASS IS KILLIN' ME said the invisible man.

mi2tom · #23 02-09-2006, 11:08 PM

^^^lol

mi2tom · #24 02-09-2006, 11:11 PM

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

mi2tom · #25 02-09-2006, 11:14 PM

Bank robbery
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a
bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling
the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout
the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's
audio tape
system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing
but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of
gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing
more than a queasy & uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

Davey · #26 02-10-2006, 06:24 AM

LMFAO!

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."

"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

drizzt75 · #27 02-10-2006, 08:06 AM

two irish men sat in a pub having a convo and suddenly a man walks in all suited up orders a wine spritzer and goes n sits down. the first irish man says "i bet he is a dentist" the second one repleis na he a house salesman look at the suit anyway after a short agument they decide to have a bet. the suited gentleman heads to the bathroom so one of the irishmen runs in after him as they are both stood at the urinal the irishman says "nice suit m8 are you a dentist" well replies the suited gentleman actually im a doctor of logic "a what" replies the irish man "let me explain says the gentleman "do you have a goldfish"
yes replies the irishman
"do you have more than one goldfish and does it live in a bowl or a pond"
well a pond replies the irishman
"well i can deduce from that you have a large garden to be able to fit a pond in and from that you have a large house id say roughly 2-3 bedrooms "
bloody hell yea says the irishman

"and from that i can deduce you dont live alone that you are married and have children"

well fook me sideways yea i have 2 kids and a wife replies the irish man

"well from you telling me yo uhave a goldfish i can deduce that because yo uhave 2 kids and a wife your sex life is good therefore you dont need to masterbate"

nope i dont replies the irishman

they leave the bathroom adn the irish man walks back up to his friend

"well whats he do" asks the friend
he is a dr of logic

"wtf is one of them"

let me explain do you have a goldfish

"erm no"

then you are a ****er

Liggy · #28 02-10-2006, 10:23 AM

Have you heard about the 'queer' Eskimo???

He stuck his arse out of the igloo window to see if he could get a Chap on it!!!

bammbamm · #29 02-10-2006, 01:33 PM

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged!

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

ScottB · #30 02-10-2006, 03:34 PM

Bill walks into the local pub one Saturday evening and grabs a stool at the bar next to his brother, George.

"Whatcha do exciting today Bill?" asks the brother.

Bill replies in a barely audible, very hoarse voice, "Ah nothin' too exciting. Joe and I started out this morning to play 18 holes down at the club."

"Did you catch a cold or something? You sound terrible."

"Nah, it's not a cold, but I wish it was that simple. You see, Joe and I were at the first tee box, warming up for our round. The club pro came out of the clubhouse with this ENORMOUS whale of a woman. She had to be 300 pounds, easily. He explained that she had taken her first lesson earlier in the day and wanted to play her first round with a couple of seasoned club regulars. I was shaking my head no, but Joe piped up that we'd be happy to have her join us. Things turned very ugly from there. At the first tee, she whiffed 7 times straight until she finally connected on a little dribbler that rolled about 20 yards. Joe hit his shot about 220 yards and mine went about 210. As we walked up to the woman's ball, Joe tried coaching her a bit, but she still whiffed about 5 times before throwing down her 3 iron in disgust. I walked over to her, gave her a few encouraging words, and whadda you know, she connected. It was a very solid hit of about 150 yards, but unfortunately she sliced it about 100 yards to the right and the ball landed on Old Man Williams' farm, right in the middle of a pasture full of cows. She walked toward the farm when Joe and I called out 'Where're you going? You'll never find your ball in there. Just drop another ball and play it from where you are.' She started crying loudly and through her sobs, she informed us that was her lucky ball and wouldn't continue without it. Reluctantly Joe and I and the woman hopped the fence and started looking for the ball. After about 5 minutes, I found it, but you'll never guess where. I saw that her ball had landed in the middle of the herd and when I walked over to them, there it was; lodged right smack in the arse of the largest cow in the herd."

"That's a funny story Bill, but it doesn't explain how you lost your voice."

"Sure it does. I called the fat lady over to where I was standing with the cow, pulled the cow's tail to one side and asked 'Does this look like yours?' That's when she clubbed me in the throat with her 3 iron!"