<back   Jemsite > Off-topic & Polls > Chat Forum

Chat Forum Use this forum for "chatroom" like discussion. This forum will have one or two open topics that will be pruned every few days. Post counts don't incriment in here.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #286  
Old 07-25-2007, 07:50 PM
jemplayer55  is offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: usa
Posts: 2,612  -  iTrader: (0)

Re: Favourite jokes?


West Virginia

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in a West Virginia hotel? When you call The front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia? Documentaries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the Driver, "Got any I. D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both Books-poof! Up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, They are STILL cousins.
quote
  #287  
Old 07-26-2007, 08:36 AM
tt0511  is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 352  -  iTrader: (7)

Re: Favourite jokes?


LOL! Thanks jemplayer! I needed a good laugh!
quote
  #288  
Old 07-26-2007, 10:36 PM
jemplayer55  is offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: usa
Posts: 2,612  -  iTrader: (0)

Re: Favourite jokes?


Zebra

A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.
Peter, "I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I a
white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer." So the zebra went
off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I
must know. Am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white
stripes?"

God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God
answer your question for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said, 'You are what you
are.'" St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it,
you are a white horse with black stripes." The zebra asked St. Peter, "How
do you know that?" "Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse
with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."
quote
  #289  
Old 07-27-2007, 01:15 PM
crevis  is offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,596  -  iTrader: (1)

Re: Favourite jokes?


t's recess time in Mrs. Henderson's third grade class, and 3 boys are trying to figure out what to play: an Italian kid, a Jewish kid and a black kid. The Italian kid goes, "Hey, I know what we can play. We can play 'who has the biggest penis?'"

"How do you play that?" ask the other boys.

"We pull out our penises and see who has the biggest one. I'll go first." So he pulls his out and it's big. The other two "oooh" at it. Then the Jewish kid pulls his out. It's even bigger and the other two "ahhh" at it. Then the black kid pulls his out and it dwarfs the other two. It is absolutely monsterous. The other two kids are speechless, and the black kid is feeling pretty good about himself. The day ends and they all go home.

Later that night at home, the black kid is sitting down to dinner with his family. His mom asks, "So what did you do in school today?"

"Well, first we had a spelling test, then we had art class, then we learned civics, then we learned math...and then we played 'who has the biggest penis?'"

"Oh. How do you play that?"

"We pulled out our penises and saw who had the biggest one, and I won!" Then he paused. "Mommy, did I win because I'm black?"

"No sweetheart, you won because you're 17."
quote
  #290  
Old 07-27-2007, 01:40 PM
(a)
ScottB  is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pasadena, MD
Posts: 2,209  -  iTrader: (12)

Re: Favourite jokes?


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again.
quote
  #291  
Old 07-27-2007, 01:50 PM
jemplayer55  is offline
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: usa
Posts: 2,612  -  iTrader: (0)

Re: Favourite jokes?


^^^^ Good one!
quote
  #292  
Old 07-27-2007, 02:07 PM
(a)
ScottB  is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pasadena, MD
Posts: 2,209  -  iTrader: (12)

Re: Favourite jokes?


An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a p u s s y willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
quote
  #293  
Old 07-27-2007, 02:25 PM
(a)
ScottB  is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pasadena, MD
Posts: 2,209  -  iTrader: (12)

Re: Favourite jokes?


A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for something that will cure the hiccups.

The pharmacist walks out from behind the counter and kicks the man right in the jewels.

"What did you do that for?" asks the now furious man.

"Well you don't have the hiccups now do you?" the pharmacist replied.

"Well no a$$hole, but my wife out in the car probably still does."
quote
  #294  
Old 07-27-2007, 02:35 PM
(a)
ScottB  is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pasadena, MD
Posts: 2,209  -  iTrader: (12)

Re: Favourite jokes?


One day a pastor was going door to door visiting his parishioners and when he came to a door where it was obvious that someone was home but his knocks went unanswered he left a card with Revelation 3:20 written on the back.

Later that Sunday the card was returned to him in the collection plate.....he picked it up turned it over and saw that the person had added Genesis 3:10 under where he wrote Revelation 3:20

So he quickly looked in the bible for reference...

Revelation 3:20 ....BEHOLD I STAND AT THE DOOR AND KNOCK

Genesis 3:10....I HEARD YOUR VOICE IN THE GARDEN AND I WAS AFRAID BECAUSE I WAS NAKED.
quote
  #295  
Old 07-27-2007, 03:19 PM
FloridaNative  is offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,366  -  iTrader: (1)

Re: Favourite jokes?


hehehehehehehehe Those are good ScreamJem.

Okay, there is a Pentecostal pastor, a Bapist pastor and a Methodist pastor. The Pentecostal and the Baptist pastors would always go fishing every Sunday after services so one Sunday they decide to invite the Methodist pastor to join them.

So there they all are, all three of them out in a boat on the lake enjoying a peaceful afternoon of fishing when the Pentecostal pastor suddenly says, "excuse me gentleman, but nature's calling me and I've got to use the little boy's room." So he puts down his pole, stands up in the boat, climbs out of the boat and walks on the water all the way to the shore and goes behind a tree. A few minutes later, he walks back across the water and gets back into the boat and starts fishing again. The Methodist pastor is amazed, but he notices that the other pastor acts like it's normal so he says nothing and just keeps fishing.

A little while later, the Baptist pastor has to go so he says, "excuse me gentlemen, but I have to go." He puts down his pole, stands up in the boat and he too walks across the water to the shore and goes behind a tree. The Methodist pastor is completely floored. The Baptist pastor walks back across the water and climbs back into the boat and starts fishing again.

Awhile later the methodist pastor realizes he has to go to the bathroom. He thinks to himself, "I don't see why I can't do it too. I'm a man of God. I love the Lord. I have the faith." So he stands up boldly and says, "Gentleman, I have to go!" He puts down his pole, climbs out of the boat and falls right into the water.

The Pentecostal pastor looks at the Baptist pastor and says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"
quote
  #296  
Old 08-04-2007, 01:21 PM
Ant1981  is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 2,230  -  iTrader: (3)

Re: Favourite jokes?


A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to England. He stops the first
person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. English man
for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps,
free medical care, free education and all wonderful social monetry
benefits!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am polish."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in England!"

The person says, "I not English, I am from Croatia."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not English!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?"

She says, "No, I am from Iraq!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English people?"

The Iraq lady checks her watch and says...


. "Probably at work."
quote
  #297  
Old 08-04-2007, 01:59 PM
Ant1981  is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 2,230  -  iTrader: (3)

Re: Favourite jokes?


A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 10 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue"
quote
  #298  
Old 08-04-2007, 07:41 PM
alex10  is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 698  -  iTrader: (1)

Re: Favourite jokes?


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
brilliant!!!
quote
  #299  
Old 08-06-2007, 11:10 PM
crevis  is offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,596  -  iTrader: (1)

Re: Favourite jokes?


I saw that coming a mile away, still funny though.
quote
  #300  
Old 08-07-2007, 12:38 PM
Ant1981  is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 2,230  -  iTrader: (3)

Re: Favourite jokes?


Boy runs home to his mum and says, 'mummy, there's a boy at school whos willy is like a peanut!'

His mum replies, 'do you mean it's small'?

The boy replies, 'no, it's salty'.
quote
Reply

Tags
acoustic guitar, steve vai


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Show/Hide Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



Show/Hide Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Music Jokes - Kosmic Pursuit Off-topic / Miscellaneous 2 09-24-2009 04:39 PM
Musician Jokes ET Guitars Off-topic / Miscellaneous 7 04-03-2008 10:18 AM
Music theory jokes Josh_P Off-topic / Miscellaneous 6 07-21-2007 02:48 AM
theory jokes? Dragon Slayer J Guitar Lessons & Music Theory 14 10-27-2006 04:46 AM
pg's songs reccomendation..are those just jokes? icank_gtd Guitar Lessons & Music Theory 3 01-31-2006 10:58 AM

Sitemap:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:03 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) jemsite.com
Powered by