Favourite jokes?

[Mike239]

Heard these 2 a while a go:

Q: Whats the difference between Pink and Purple
A: The Grip

A girl walks into a gynecologists office, she sits down and spreads her legs. The doctor takes a look and says:
"My god you have the biggest vagina i have ever seen"

"My god you have the biggest vagina i have ever seen"

She says "Why did you repeat yourself?"

Gynecologist says "I Didn't"

[andy7jem]

Awesome Wild Child

ROTFLMAO

[ChopTart]

Haha nice, everyone. FN that joke was priceless

[jim777]

HOW TO BATHE A CAT
===================

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and
stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which
is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as
possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors,
where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[jim777]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule, and he tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[jem20thlover]

How many Union workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"6, YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!"

[jim777]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
Witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached
Her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
Since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
Disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
Manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
You're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
Amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned!
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
The room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
Was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
Problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
Practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
Cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
Wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and,
In a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair".

[alex10]

2 dyslexic kids are in a car, one of them says "Can you smell petrol?"
the other kid says "I can't even spell my own fuking name"

[dannymills]

I went to the doctors today.

He told me I would have to stop wan'king.

So I asked him why.

He said "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[sick-boy]

Classic Groucho Marx:

"Just this morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas...what he was doing there I have no idea."

[kelmaur]

I used to go to school with a guy that wasnt all that smart and he asked me one time while we were doing some work, : How do you abbreviate Arkansas?",
and i answered, "Well, just start spelling it and then stop.

[jim777]

A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she swats him on the head again with the frying pan!

MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse is on the phone"

[jim777]

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy,walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

"The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband at a fancy restaurant, having dinner with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[screamndemon69]

^^^

[Distantshore]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear.