Favourite jokes?

[jaxadam]

I've got a couple of good ones, but I don't want to get banned while the raffle thing is going on!

[JoeJoe]

ROTFLMAO!!!

There sure are some good one up here!

Keep 'em comming!

[jaxadam]

Okay, okay...

This black guy comes home with a turkey underneath his arm.

His wife looks at him and says, "where'd you get the turkey?"

He said "In a d!ck measuring contest".

She says, "You mean you pulled all of that out for a turkey?"

And he said "Nah, just enough to win!"

[Davey]

Oh dear...

[mi2tom]

this is a good one...


Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually
decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too
good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale
$50". The next day someone stole it.

[Davey]

lol!

Hopefully this isn't too rude, but...

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great arsehole... when I fired the pistol my wife shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[ScottB]

Oh my god, that was hilarious! ROTFLMAO!!

[ScottB]

A drunk finds a duck on his way home from the pub one evening and decides to take it home. He stumbles in through his front door and finds his wife on the couch, watching TV while polishing off a large bag of cheese doodles.

"I'm gonna have sex with this pig later tonight", the man exclaims.

His wife replies, "You're drunk and that's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I was talking to the duck!"

[Al's garden]

A man buys a brand new super fast sports car one day, first thing he picks up his girlfriend and takes her for a spin. they go off down some quite country roads and the guy starts bomming the can round. this gets his girlfriend quite excited, realising this the man starts driving even faster. then she cant contain herself anymore and says "lets have sex now". the guy replies "whilst im driving?". she replies yes and starts tearing her clothes of. so the guy cant help but drive faster, she starts tearing his clothes off and the car gets faster, then she jumps on him, he loses control and spans the car off the road, writes it off.

amazingly, theyr both stil alive but the guy is trapped in the car and the woman can get out but is completly naked and all she can find in the wreck to cover herself with is one of her husbands shoes. so she runs off to get help holding the shoe over her fememine area and a hand across her breasts, and she manages to flag down a police car.

slightly perplexed, the police man winds down his window to speak to the young woman, she frantically exclaims, "youve got to help me my husband is stuck!". and the policeman replies, "love, if hes that far up i think hes gone!"

[outsider332]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who
was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively
more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it
back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[ChopTart]

A blonde, brunette and redhead are trapped on a desert island that is five miles away from the mainland, separated by ocean. The brunette is the first to hop in, swims a mile, realizes there's no way she can make it, and swims back.

The redhead jumps in, swims a mile, realizes she cant make it and swims back also.

The blonde jumps in, swims 3 miles and swims back thinking she couldn't make it.

[mi2tom]

A man walked into a supermarket and asked an employee where the tampon isle was.

The lady pointed it out and the man started walking toward it.

A few minutes later the man returned with cotton swabs and string.

The employee said to the man, "I thought you needed tampons?"

The man simply said, "I sent my wife to get me some cigarettes yesterday and she came home with the tabacco and the paper. I had to roll my own. Today she sent me for tampons so she get's to roll her own."

[mi2tom]

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
__________________

[GilkyBear]

What's 12 inches long and makes women scream?

Cribdeath.

(I know, I know...)

[MilkshakeFiend]

What's red and green and goes 300mph?

A leprechaun in a food processor.



How many guitarists does it take to fit a lightbulb?

1 - He just holds it there and the whole world suddenly revolves around him.



How do you keep a drummer amused til you need him?

Put him in a circular room and tell him there's pizza in the corner



How can you tell if a drummer is level?

He drools from both sides of his mouth



How do you keep two drummers in time?

Shoot one.



The year is 2279, and Joe here wants a new brain, so he walks into the brain shop. he is feeling rather wealthy today, so he asks for the rarest type of brain they stock.
'How about... Albert Einstein's brain? says the shopkeeper
'Nah, I don't like maths and physics.'
'Ok, how about Adolf Hitler's brain, on sale for £30,000?'
'No thanks, mustaches don't suit me...' says Joe.
'Ok, ok, I think I know what you want...' Shopkeeper disapears for a few moments in the back of the store, then walks out, with great care, carrying a container labelled 'Drummer's Brain'
'Ok, for you, £100,000!'
'Why is a lowly percussionist's brain £100k?' Joe asks indignantly
The shopkeeper looks shocked. 'Well, if you knew how many drummers we had to kill to scrape together a *WHOLE* brain...'



Guitarist and bassist drive to a bar after a gig. Guitarist gets out, slams the door, and realised he's locked his keys in the car! It cost the guitarist £40 to have the bassist let out of the car.

Aha, these made me laugh...