Favourite jokes? - Page 4

Davey · #46 02-14-2006, 12:04 PM

That reminds me of a similar one...

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to screw it in, another 100 to say "I can do that..."

megadeth · #47 02-15-2006, 05:12 AM

An Indian and a ****stani are in a car. whoz driving?

COPS.

before anyone points fingers..lemme tell you that I am an indian.

Davey · #48 02-15-2006, 05:40 AM

jay ratkowski · #49 02-15-2006, 07:57 AM

Why did the turkey cross the road?

He didn't want people to think he was chicken.

jaken777 · #50 02-15-2006, 08:42 AM

Santa Claws cruses down Sunset strip drinking a bottel of Rum,
he looked to the sidewalk & said Ho! Ho! Ho! 3 hookers up skirts to show Santa there bums,

Santa said to the hookers " i only have a few dollars, a bag of coke & some,
i will pay you dirty hookers what i have if you suck my stiff candy cane to make good old Santa come!

(ok it's not a joke but i like it!)

nickcoumbe · #51 02-15-2006, 08:55 AM

What's green, got six legs, and if it falls on you it will kill you?

A snooker table.

nickcoumbe · #52 02-15-2006, 09:04 AM

A lobster walks into a bar

Lobster: A pint of Stella please.
Barman: Sorry mate, I can't serve you.

Lobster: Why not?
Barman: You're barred.

Lobster: How am I barred I'm a crustacean.
Barman: Don't you know?

Lobster: No.
Barman: Well last night you were in here, well pissed up, and you were giving it all that (makes large pincer movements with both hands whilst holding arms in the air).

A visual joke I know, but definately my favourite.

Davey · #53 02-15-2006, 09:17 AM

Couple of good ones there, I love snooker so that'll get some use

damo7v · #54 02-15-2006, 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChopTart

A blonde, brunette and redhead are trapped on a desert island that is five miles away from the mainland, separated by ocean. The brunette is the first to hop in, swims a mile, realizes there's no way she can make it, and swims back.

The redhead jumps in, swims a mile, realizes she cant make it and swims back also.

The blonde jumps in, swims 3 miles and swims back thinking she couldn't make it.

i'm sorry to be that guy who ruins it for everyone else, but in all fairness how would the blonde have known she'd gone as far as 3 miles? perhaps she knew that 3 is greater than half of 5 but without any discernible landmarks was unable to accurately gauge her progress to land.

it's less a blonde joke and more an alannis morrisette example of irony (dontcha think?).

bammbamm · #55 02-17-2006, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickcoumbe

A lobster walks into a bar

Lobster: A pint of Stella please.
Barman: Sorry mate, I can't serve you.

Lobster: Why not?
Barman: You're barred.

Lobster: How am I barred I'm a crustacean.
Barman: Don't you know?

Lobster: No.
Barman: Well last night you were in here, well pissed up, and you were giving it all that (makes large pincer movements with both hands whilst holding arms in the air).

A visual joke I know, but definately my favourite.

I'm lost...

bammbamm · #56 02-17-2006, 01:49 PM

A rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Barkeep says, "We don't serve your kind here, Fack off!"
Dejected and sad, the rope leaves, still parched.
He finds a man on the street and asks him, "Do me a favor, tie me in a knot and then unwind my ends!' The man oblilges.
The rope returns to the bar and orders a beer again.
The Barkeep says, didn't I just throw you outta here 10 minutes ago?"
The rope says, "I'm afraid not"

A frayed knot, GET IT?!?!?!

mi2tom · #57 06-28-2006, 04:14 AM

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where! are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
and, they lived happily ever after

jemplayer55 · #58 06-29-2006, 12:17 AM

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons.

"I'll make you a deal, I'll open this alligator's mouth and
place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his
mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll
remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers,
placing his privates in the alligators mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first
of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay
anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell
over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde
girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard.

metalguitarist7778 · #59 06-29-2006, 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeohollicA

I wish my lawn was emo. Then it would cut itself.

my friends do those Jokes all the time

for instance,

boy: MOM I HATE THIS DULL PIZZA IT JUST SITS THERE

MOM: well try this new EMO PIZZA, it cuts itself

Boy: WOW ITS GREAT

TongueShredder · #60 06-29-2006, 02:44 AM

Its hard being a dick. You have an eye that cannot see. A head that cannot think and worst still, you have two nuts as friends and an a**hole as a neighbour. Sometimes you are forced to work like slave. They cover you with this rubber material all over your head. When you start puking, it drools all over your head and eye. It just feels so sick

To all humans that sometimes curse upon their dicks saying this and that , just think about the hardship that dicks are often faced with. Like they say, It doesnt hurt to know your dick very well.