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Anyone have any good music/musician jokes?

3K views 19 replies 17 participants last post by  Pursuit 
#1 ·
As the title suggests, has anyone heard any good ones?

I know only one, but it's way too crude to type in a public domain (and the mods would ban me), if however you want to read it send me a pm and I will reply, but some may take offense, so please consider carefully.

Anyway, I want to hear yours.
 
#3 ·
Lol, reminds me of 2 80s ones...

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?..............
........
You only have to punch the rythm into the drum machine once.

A drummer, a singer and a bass player fall off a cliff, who hits the ground last?......
....
....
......
A: Who cares?
B: The drummer, he has to ask directions on the way down


crap, but drummers are always popular.
 
#14 ·
I seen that too made me laugh especially the keyboard player :)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door ?

- He speeds up when he's knocking.

How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

- They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

This is an 80's one,

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

- Homeless.

They are not that great but the only ones I have heard or know that aren't way lame :)
 
#9 ·
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? One - all he has to do is hold the light bulb and the whole world revolves around him…

How many guitarists does it take to change light bulb? 12…well, actually only one to change the bulb and the 11 other guitarists just stand there saying "I could do that"...
 
#13 ·
The guitar player says to the drummer, "What would you do if we heard the earth would be destroyed by an asteroid in 15 minutes?"

The drummer says, "That's easy! I'd screw the first thing that moved!! What would you do?"

The guitar player says, "I'd hold perfectly still..."
 
#19 ·
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

Q- How many country singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A- Seven: one to screw in the bulb, and six to write a song about how much they miss the old one.

Q- Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A- Because most shops close by six thirty.

Q- Why to bands need Roadies?
A- To translate what the drummer says.

A customer walks into a new shop on his street that sell brains. There are three glass jars, each containing a kilos worth of wet, quivering, grey brain. The first jar is labeled "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000.
The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson, "Why is it that the kilo of drummer's brains is so damned expensive?"
The salesman replies, "Do you have any idea how many drummers it takes to get a kilo of brains?"

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Uuh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

Q- How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A- Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room
spins.

Q- Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A- You don't have to plug them in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

Q- If a dollar bill was laying in the centre of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A- The drummer with bad time, as the other three don't exist.

Q- Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A- Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q- What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A- "Hey, why don't we try one of my songs?"

Q- What's the difference between a dead wombat in the middle of the road and a dead piano accordion player?
A- The wombat was on it's way to a gig.

Q- Whats the difference between a guitarist and a trust fund?
A- A Trust fund matures and eventually gets some money.

Q- What does it mean if your drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
A- The stage is level.

An explorer on safari goes into an uncharted area of jungle. Deep inside the dense undergrowth, he hears the beating of drums.* For days on end he hears the drums relentlessly pounding away.* After weeks of pounding drums it suddenly stops, and with it his cargo bearers drop all the bags and dive for cover.
The explorer dives for cover as well, and asks why all the bearers are cowering with hands over their ears.
One of the bearers replies, "Heap big problem, bwana! When drums stop, bass solo starts!"

Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in his car? He had to break the window to get the drummer out.*

Q - Why are so many guitarist’s jokes one-liners?
A - So the rest of the band can understand them.*

Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
A - None... they just steal somebody else's light

Q- What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A- His drool.

Q- What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A- Gifted.

Q- How do you get two drummers to play in time?
A- Shoot one.

Q- Why do drummers leave their drum sticks on the dashboard of their car?
A- So they can park in disabled bays.

Q- How does a jazz guitar player end up with a million dollars?
A- He starts with 2 million.

Q- Why are most concert intermissions limited to only 20 minutes?
A- So you won’t have to re-train the singers.

Q- What’s the difference between an Ashton bass and an Ashton guitar?
A- The bass burns longer.

Q- What’s the difference between a keyboard and an onion?
A- Nobody cries when you cut up a keyboard.

Q- How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A- It doesn’t matter. Bassists are never in the light anyway.

A young boy is walking down the street with his mother. He turns to her and says, “Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a musician!”
His mother replies, “Now now son, you can’t do both.”

Did you hear about the bassist who played so out of tune that even the singer noticed?

Two drummers and a violinist start a band. After the first practice, one drummer turns to the other and says, “That sounded terrible! This isn’t going to work. Let’s get rid of the violinist.”

Q- What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name?
A- You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q- How do you get a guitarist to stop biting his nails?
A- Make him wear shoes.

36 Rules for Bands:
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do, you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a website.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, (forgive me...) electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
So, how many have YOU broken?
 
#20 ·
Q- What’s the difference between a jet aircraft and a trumpet?
A- About 3 decibels.

Q- What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?
A- Drive-by trombone solos.

Q- What is the definition of “perfect pitch”?
A- When you toss a banjo into the rubbish bin without hitting the sides. Bonus points for hitting the accordion that’s already in there.

Q- What’s the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A- Lipstick.

Q- What do a violin and lawsuit have in common?
A- Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q- How are trumpet players like pirates?
A- They both commit murder on the high Cs.

Q- What do you say to a rapper in a 3-piece suit?
A- "Will the defendant please rise..."

Q- What do you call a rapper who dies in a drive-by shooting?
A- A hit everyone can enjoy.

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.

Q- You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a guitar player. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A- You shoot the guitar player. Twice.

Q- What's the definition of a gentleman?
A- Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Q- How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
A- The bass player notices.

Q- What key should "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" be played in?
A- C sharp or B flat.

Q- What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A- A flat minor.

Q- Why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A- Because it's more difficult to hit a moving target.

Q- What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A- You get your job AND your wife back.

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the chamber.
The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah sure do, warden. I'd be mighty grateful if you'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' for me before I have to go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you? What's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion."
The store clerk replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

Q- What do you call a building full of guitar players?
A- Prison.

Q- Why do guitar players like to tour in the summer?
A- So they can visit all their kids.

A trombone player and an accordion player are doing a New Year's gig at a local club. The place is packed and everybody is loving the music.
Shortly after midnight, the owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys are terrific! Everybody is raving about the music. Would you like to book here for next New Year's Eve?"
The two musicians look excitedly at each other, nod in agreement, and then turn to the club owner and say, "Sure, we'd love to. Is it OK if we leave our equipment here?"

Q- How many musician jokes are there?
A- Just one. All the rest are true.

Q- What is the difference between a lead singer and an armed robber?
A- You can negotiate with an armed robber.

Q- What do a singer and a combat engineer have in common?
A- They both blow bridges.

Q- What do you call a singer with two brain cells?
A- Pregnant.
 
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