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post #1 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
 
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bad times

when it rains...........

it looks like we're on the road to getting a divorce. just married a year, and together for 7. i can chalk it up to her never wanting to talk and her 2 kids run her. you would think she would be happy with a guy who has no kids who tries to help her out with her kids. i know i would be grateful to find someone like that. she is more of a friend than a mother to them. our roles are reversed. she never wants to talk and i know we need to. she always has something else to do like watching her tv shows or something else.

she gets crazed when i try to talk about issues....her kids or money. her 12 year old kid (that i have know since she was 5) has always been a brat and has never talked to anyone unless they are buying her something or telling her how great she is. i have spent HOURS trying to talk to this kid nicely, trying to explain stuff, and she just sits there. it's like literally having a mannequin in your house. her mom won't help me....she tells me to just leave her alone. i'm paying for a roof over this kid's head and she can't even say hi to me! even when i say hi back. when i get home, if the kid is downstairs, she runs up to her room and closes the door. i have never done anything but try to talk to them and be there for them. the kid's father tells me he has the same issue with this kid. i'm getting done especially with recent issues. the wife wants to leave, she isn't happy. this is not a first time thing. she has pulled this before and each time it gets worse.

she is leaving this weekend to take her mother to new jersey to help her sister with their newborn. she will be back sunday, staying at her mom's house for 3 months while her mother is gone. i just came to find out she is taking her X with her since she doesn't want to drive all that way with only the kids. they are friends but i draw the line there. i would NEVER even think of going somewhere like that with a girl, especially an X. it would bother my wife. i have talked to this guy and he has a decent head on his shoulders and has had the same issues with his kid and my wife (when they were dating years ago.) she can't handle me getting an xmas card from a female friend across the country but i have to accept this road trip. she said she doesn't care and that it doesn't concern me. doesn't concern me? after 3 days of this, this morning i finally said we will work on the papers when she gets back and i bagged the house photos in frames to throw out. i told her she better take them with her if she wants them. she is so back and forth...she wants a divorce then she said we need time apart, and then it's back again. time apart for what? she won't talk when she gets back. she said we'll go for counseling. i heard that before. she can't make time for me and i tried again last night....she was watching smallville. this is very old. you know, she is great half the time; great housewife (because she wants to, not because i expect stuff done for me) but when she is evil she is evil.

my brother lost his job

my uncle is in the hospital for heart surgery with no warning at all of issues.

the co. i just started with just got bought out so there is uncertainty.

who here who has been through divorce has anything to say about it? i was looking online and found a legal way for $249. i hope to make it fast and painless. she said i can have the townhouse. well i hope so since i pay for everything but her name is on it so i could be screwed. she can live with her mom and brats....i am the one with nowhere to go.

bottom line, i'm done with chicks, i'm done with them all. sorry this was so long.

Last edited by shredmaster; 11-10-2006 at 01:39 PM.
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post #2 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 01:39 PM
 
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Re: bad times

What little help and input I can offer from my position - leave her. No doubt about it. Roadtrip with her ex while being bat**** insanely jealous of any female acquaintances you have, along with an obnoxious kid who apparently has no plans of getting sh!t together, coming from a family that lets that attitude slide?!
Get out. Get out fast. Sorry you didn't discover this before you married her, but staying in that relationship (from what you've told) is poison. You'd have gray hairs within the next year. Leave, mate.
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post #3 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: bad times

that is what most tell me, it's hard to pull the trigger on this one obviously. i hope it will get better but i'm sure it won't. i came from a very family-oriented household. she has said some hurtful stuff such as leave me alone, i don't care what you think, you can wait for me to get back to talk and if not i don't care. i think it's for the best but there is so much to consider.

granted, you only know my side but what i told you is true. i'm generally laid back and easy-going. i have been told I CHOOSE MY KIDS OVER YOU! that is the response i get when i tell her we need to talk about her daughter. my response...wait a minute, i never said you have to choose....i just said we need to talk about her. she just leaps miles ahead making statements that don't fit. she says....i can't help she hates you so much. WHAT? what did i do but try to talk to her? then she calls me vulgarities. then the next day she's fine. she is jeckyll and hyde and yet, calls me the hypocrit and says that i need help.

i do what i can for them all and take of finances. i'm also spending all my free time trying to build my video / photo biz....and still keeping time for her. i'm always home. we just refinanced the house and she rolled her cards into it....$3k worth. i told her she needs to pay that money back to the bank. she said....THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW. maybe i just do it and say screw it.

sorry for going off again.....
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post #4 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 01:54 PM
 
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Re: bad times

I was in a similiar position like you.I was engaged, had a house, car, son, etc etc.my wedding as 3 months away and the girl decided she wanted a "single lifestyle". i dropped a few grand for the wedding stuff..outcome is i sold my house, moved back into my parents, sold our brand new SUV, rotate our son from 2 houses every 2 days..its a darn nightmare..girls that are like this deserve nothing good. i cant stand selfish, self centered girls.

the only advice i can give you is do what makes you happy. i hate livignat my parents house again, especially with a 3 year old, but i was able to pay off bills and buy things that i wanted, hence more drums and guitars

in todays society, it is deemed "ok" and "acceptable" to get a divorce and the easy way out.. the funny thing of it all is, i am stereotyped like the loser father who left her, when it is exactly the other way around. i am the mother and father of my son.she is too busy screwing guys from myspace and going all over the US to meet internet people..she is a waste of life
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post #5 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 02:02 PM
 
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Re: bad times

Sorry to hear mate.I remember your problems a while back too.All i can say is if its continued or, as it sounds, worsened, then you are best off out of it. It will just eat you up until your own health will suffer.We all have the best intentions at times but this sounds like you are wasting your time and effort.I was in a vaguely similar situation with my wife and the way i was treated by her and a step-child When i finally left i moved into a cr*ppy little bedsit but it was the first decent nights sleep i had in a long long time.I can't see things getting any better for you,and any bad feelings in those situations don't usually go away,just simmer below the surface.Just my opinion,not advising what you should or shouldn't do coz thats entirely your decision as you will have to live with whatever decision you make.
Can't help with divorce advice...i never actually got divorced, been separated for over 8 years now!!
Good luck with things though.
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post #6 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 02:06 PM
 
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Re: bad times

Check with your state..... you may be able to do the filing yourself saving a ton of money. As far as the real property..... if it's stated in the divorce papers you file jointly and is granted in the decree before a judge you can get the property without having to split it. Just be sure to file a quite claim deed if the judge allows her to relinquish her rights to your assets. And be sure to notify your mortgage co. of any changes. Got a will???.... change it! Got a living will????.... update it to reflect your "new" health care surrogate. Same with any insurance policies you may have.
Sorry things aren't going well..... best to just move forward though. Immerse yourself amongst your friends and family! Look at it this way...... it's time to have fun and put yourself first for awhile! But most important, be proactive in your legal matters.
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post #7 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 02:09 PM
 
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Re: bad times

Quote:
Originally Posted by shredmaster View Post
that is what most tell me, it's hard to pull the trigger on this one obviously. i hope it will get better but i'm sure it won't. i came from a very family-oriented household. she has said some hurtful stuff such as leave me alone, i don't care what you think, you can wait for me to get back to talk and if not i don't care. i think it's for the best but there is so much to consider.

granted, you only know my side but what i told you is true. i'm generally laid back and easy-going. i have been told I CHOOSE MY KIDS OVER YOU! that is the response i get when i tell her we need to talk about her daughter. my response...wait a minute, i never said you have to choose....i just said we need to talk about her. she just leaps miles ahead making statements that don't fit. she says....i can't help she hates you so much. WHAT? what did i do but try to talk to her? then she calls me vulgarities. then the next day she's fine. she is jeckyll and hyde and yet, calls me the hypocrit and says that i need help.

i do what i can for them all and take of finances. i'm also spending all my free time trying to build my video / photo biz....and still keeping time for her. i'm always home. we just refinanced the house and she rolled her cards into it....$3k worth. i told her she needs to pay that money back to the bank. she said....THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW. maybe i just do it and say screw it.

sorry for going off again.....
Assuming you're not leaving anything you've done out of the story, I stand firm on my previous statement. I know it's hard to throw away something you've spent 8 years of your life on, but I assume that anyone with self-dignity and self-preservation would concur. It's the only way I see to make the rest of your life yours.
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post #8 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 02:17 PM
 
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Re: bad times

Tough sale here, but don't let the psychological dynamics of being in a dysfunctional relationship cloud your thoughts and direction. I know from experience that is easier said than done. Focus on what you can do for yourself, if you've truly decided divorce is the only answer.
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post #9 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 02:17 PM
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Re: bad times

Quote:
Originally Posted by shredmaster View Post
you would think she would be happy with...
a normal person would "think" that but she's not normal. most of them aren't. she clearly needs help but i would leave that for the next guy.

sorry to hear but as a friend i must tell you to wipe your hands clean of this mess now and forever. she has 2 strikes with 2 guys and kids that are gonna be brats and trouble more and more.

life is too short for all that... glen
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post #10 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: bad times

andy7jem, you are right my friend....you remember the issues, as most do.

roland, nope, nothing left out. granted, i'm not perfect of course and i admit that. but i always get the blame and yelling. there is no compromising with her. it's her and her kids and that is all. she goes from 0-120 in a second.

glen, understood, you're right, i know

in her defense...since i should...she makes me nice dinners here and there and does most of the laundry and cleaning and covers me with the blanket when i fall asleep on the couch, as i do for her. making soup when i'm sick. i will really will miss those things. she does the little things that mean the most except saying i'm sorry. i never heard that from her.

i do plan on changing the life insurance stuff tomorrow and moving my accounts to another bank since she works at the bank i have accounts. i'm going to give what cash i have in savings to my mother to hold onto. not sure what the weekend will hold for me and not sure what next week will hold either. i have thinking to do. for now i'm psyching myself up for the hard part to possibly come. if it happens, it will be lonely and i may have to move and life will really change. i'm prepared to remain single for as long as i can since mainly because i'm fedup and just too tired, but also, even when i heal....i'm too shy. but most of all, my soul is tired man. i'm grateful to have you guys, as you are my extended family, if you will. i feel foolish for typing so much but i just had to get it out.
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post #11 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 02:30 PM
 
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Re: bad times

One more thing...... Bank accounts, credit cards, money market accounts, 401k, stocks, bonds, review your assets carefully and address the necessary changes NOW. YES.....make the necessary changes starting today. The longer you put it off the more you'll be financially vulnerable. Sorry if I sound so harsh..... but you've got to protect your interests.
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post #12 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 02:32 PM
 
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Re: bad times

Quote:
Originally Posted by shredmaster View Post
andy7jem, you are right my friend....you remember the issues, as most do.

roland, nope, nothing left out. granted, i'm not perfect of course and i admit that. but i always get the blame and yelling. there is no compromising with her. it's her and her kids and that is all. she goes from 0-120 in a second.

in her defense...she makes me nice dinners here and there and does most of the laundry and cleaning and covers me with the blanket when i fall asleep on the couch, as i do for her. i will really will miss those things. she is compassionate, doing the little things that mean the most except saying i'm sorry. i never heard that from her. making me soup when i'm sick, from scratch...you know. that is why it is pretty hard.
I don't wanna exhume all the sh!t I've buried since long, but from practical experience, I can say this: small gestures, common interests and tastes - you can set all that on fire if respect is not mutual at all times. My previous posts were conclusions drawn on supplied information - this one is cold hard facts.
I'd much rather be with someone who I have little in common with, but respects me just as much as I respect them, rather than have a turncoat who I have much in common with.
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post #13 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 04:22 PM
 
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Re: bad times

I am not married at all but I just wanted to express that I wish you the best from now on. I don't think it will get any better and I don't think it should. As Glen said, life is too short for that.

Just open a new page and believe that everything is going to turn out for the best.
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post #14 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 04:31 PM
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Re: bad times

Sorry to hear your marriage problems are ongoing Steve.
Some things just can't be forced, it either works or it doesn't and as Glen said you don't need this.
Nobody does.

Make a decision either way and make sure it works.
If you decide to have another go at saving the marriage, make a plan.

.book an appointment and see a marriage counselor asap
.talk 30/min a day just the two of you (go for a walk or something with no distraction like kids and TV)
.once a week do something as a family - take her and the kids out bowling or to the cinema or something
.talk to someone about the kid and maybe get her a counselor.
etc,

no excuses.
You either both agree and try your best to save what you have or you're better off on your own.
I'd tell you to run but ultimately it's your decision and a decision like that is not easy to make so best of luck man.
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post #15 of 101 (permalink) Old 11-10-2006, 04:34 PM
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Re: bad times

Sorry to hear that man, my brother went through a divorce and got taken, bad.

First thing is you definately don't want to be done with chicks, from what I hear the alternative can be a pain in the butt.

Second, take care of yourself man, my brother was pretty broken up about the whole thing and didnt fight for anything she got the house, made him pay her credit card bills, pay for her Expedition, $2K +/month in child support (he does ok for himself, but not THAT well). To top it all off she was messing around on him, and pregnant with the other guys kid before the divorce was even final.

Anyway my advice is try to put the hurt aside and watch out for you.
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