Divorce - Jemsite
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post #1 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 03:52 AM Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: austin, texas
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Divorce

Well, it seems my wife and I will be parting ways. The problem is I love this woman rotten, but she doesn't feel the same anymore. She says she loves me(and always will..yadda yadda), but says I deserve two things:
1. Someone who is in love with me, and
2. Someone who doesn't secretly hope I screw up so she has an excuse to leave.

Of course my philosophy on break ups has always been that there doesn't need to be an excuse. If one person doesn't want to be with the other, that should be enough because both parties deserve better.

I don't expect a fairy tale romance where everything is perfect, and I don't expect that the passion of a new relationship to last forever, but I feel I deserve better than to be in a marriage where my wife isn't totally in it.

I offered to seek therapy, but she believes that she's felt this way(on and off again) for three years, and it's nothing that I've done or not done. It's just that she isn't really in it anymore. She also deserves to be with someone she loves as much in return.

Last edited by texshred777; 08-21-2011 at 03:58 AM.
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post #2 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 04:28 AM
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Re: Divorce

Sorry man, that sucks. But--life goes on. At least she was honest about it. Move on, pick up your guitar, work harder, etc. Do as much as possible soon to keep your mind off it.



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post #3 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 04:28 AM
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Re: Divorce

Why somebody would come to a guitar forum where people talk about woods and picks to talk about his wife to..........................................strang ers?
Seriously just trying to understand.
No friends, relatives whatever in real life?
Maybe a shrink's forum would be better?
Even a priest would listen to your crying.
Seriously(again) talk about your wife to strangers?
Man this word is...................who knows?!
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post #4 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 04:30 AM
 
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Re: Divorce

Hate to say it, but I feel your pain. Its a terrible thing, but if shes not in love with you any more, why force it? You could squeeze out a little more time, but its going to be miserable and the divorce is going to be ugly. Id try to offer marriage counseling a few more times, and keep things amicable. She, at the very very very least, had the gumption to tell you straight up. Most people would just say "F- it" and sleep around until they got caught.

You're right as well, you deserve to be in a committed relationship. If she doesnt want to be, you really cant force her, as much as you want. Do everything you can, and if its still not enough, go to sleep knowing you tried. If it doesnt work out, its truly not going to be your fault.

I have a friend going through the same thing as you right now, and its really hard on both ends. ESPECIALLY because they have 2 very young children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 6fingers View Post
Why somebody would come to a guitar forum where people talk about woods and picks to talk about his wife to..........................................strang ers?
Seriously just trying to understand.
No friends, relatives whatever in real life?
Maybe a shrink's forum would be better?
Even a priest would listen to your crying.
Seriously(again) talk about your wife to strangers?
Man this word is...................who knows?!

treva, I like you dude, but seriously, hush here. He's going through a hard time and searching for answers. Hes getting non biased points of view here, perhaps from people like myself who have gone through this type of thing and how to deal. Its not rational behavior, but its logical.
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post #5 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 04:42 AM
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Re: Divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by 6fingers View Post
Why somebody would come to a guitar forum where people talk about woods and picks to talk about his wife to..........................................strang ers?
Seriously just trying to understand.
No friends, relatives whatever in real life?
Maybe a shrink's forum would be better?
Even a priest would listen to your crying.
Seriously(again) talk about your wife to strangers?
Man this word is...................who knows?!
At least it's better than the other thread about another dude's "junk."



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post #6 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 04:45 AM
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Re: Divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlaskaBat View Post
At least it's better than the other thread about another dude's "junk."
Believe me I thought the same and I was going to mention it but I given up.

BTW should I say "given up" or "gave up"?
Thanks.
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post #7 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 05:33 AM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Divorce

That's "gave up".

Anyway I guess you're right in a sense. But be advised I have formed some real friendships here, and mostly through sharing real life experiences or responding to someone else doing the same. Perhaps someone else on here is going through the same thing(or similar) and may want to speak with someone. It's just been a terrible week, between this and my grandfathers funeral yesterday. I didn't come here bashing her, far from it. It's therapeutic to get things off my chest, especially when it's the early morning hours and calling my "real life friends" would be rude. I like you too, but really, if you don't care or understand it's easier to just not respond than be a dick about it.
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post #8 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 05:41 AM
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Re: Divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by texshred777 View Post
That's "gave up".

Anyway I guess you're right in a sense. But be advised I have formed some real friendships here, and mostly through sharing real life experiences or responding to someone else doing the same. Perhaps someone else on here is going through the same thing(or similar) and may want to speak with someone. It's just been a terrible week, between this and my grandfathers funeral yesterday. I didn't come here bashing her, far from it. It's therapeutic to get things off my chest, especially when it's the early morning hours and calling my "real life friends" would be rude. I like you too, but really, if you don't care or understand it's easier to just not respond than be a dick about it.
So send pms to those formed real friendships, there's no need to open something so personal to the whole world(internet), even if you're just throwing it out to feel better.
Stranger are strangers and friends are friends
Well that's your life and your problem, I was just trying to understand why somebody would share something so personal in a place the majority come to ask which guitar they should buy.
To me it's weird but, like I said, that's your life.

Last edited by 6fingers; 08-21-2011 at 05:47 AM.
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post #9 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 07:45 AM
 
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Unhappy Divorce Sucks!

6finger, just let this alone. If you can't understand you haven't been in his place emotionally.

I understand what he is feeling. When something like this happens, your whole life looses direction and you feel displaced in your own life when you knew where it was going just a short while ago. It sucks the good out of every second of your life. You can't sleep or eat or smile at all.
The best thing you can do to take the edge off your pain, is put all that painful energy in to something(s) good. Start by improving your image, exercise, eat better, buy a few new pieces of clothing, get a haircut. Exercise helps with the stress and lack of sleep. Brushing up your image will bring attention from women and that will boost your self esteem even if you are not looking to date.

Everything is going to change. Now you need to find a way to fill up your time with new good things to do. Get out of the house and start exploring. Sitting home sucks, all you do is think about painful things, you need positive distractions.

This will be a great time for growth as an individual if you take advantage of it. Take a step back and finish things you have been putting off. Learn new things that you have always wanted to know. Growing will make you happy again and bring new thoughts and people in to your life over a short period of time. Put more time in to music to become better at it. Now is the time to write some music, you have a lot of material to work with, unfortunately.
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post #10 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 07:47 AM
 
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Re: Divorce

Sorry to hear Texshred777.
Your relationship with your wife sounds like a cracked glass. You can try and glue it back together as best you can but the cracks, once formed, will always be there. As much as it sucks its better to drive on and find someone who is a better fit for you.
She sounds like she's done. At least she's being straight up with you and not cheating on you behind your back. The s*itty thing about it is that people change and sometimes they change and no longer work with their significant other. Sometimes you see it coming, sometimes you don't.
Best to find a new girl and enjoy life.
Best of luck!
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post #11 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 08:08 AM
 
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Re: Divorce

Sorry to hear about your situation. I saw this thread and I must admit I was, and still am, a little reluctant to comment. However, I can understand that you may have wanted to get your thoughts off your chest without the baggage that can sometimes come with making such comments and thoughts known to family and / or friends - and as you mentioned, even friends need to sleep. Better to get these thoughts off your chest than keep them bottled up inside.

Take the time to be sad, you should be. A marriage, quite obviously, requires a significant emotional investment and this cannot be removed or forgotten over night. It is very easy for others without an emotional commitment in the relationship to say, "It's ok, you'll find somebody else". I would imagine at the moment that this type of idea must seem quite impossible to imagine and at this early stage it should.

However, the most important thing to remember is that, if after a period of time (a few months, depending on the person) you are struggling to get over the relationship or can't move on, you can't think of being with somebody else, then you should get some help, talk about it with someone, ANYONE - even on a site such as this where YOU feel comfortable.

You have already started to help yourself by writing on here. And you also have another important tool, as some have already mentioned - a guitar! 30 minutes a day playing guitar is a great healer of the heart.

Good luck.

-Wolfram
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post #12 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 08:13 AM
 
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Double post

Last edited by Wolfram; 08-21-2011 at 08:16 AM. Reason: double post
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post #13 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 08:15 AM
 
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Re: Divorce Sucks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sebastian View Post

I understand what he is feeling. When something like this happens, your whole life looses direction and you feel displaced in your own life when you knew where it was going just a short while ago. It sucks the good out of every second of your life. You can't sleep or eat or smile at all.
The best thing you can do to take the edge off your pain, is put all that painful energy in to something(s) good. Start by improving your image, exercise, eat better, buy a few new pieces of clothing, get a haircut. Exercise helps with the stress and lack of sleep. Brushing up your image will bring attention from women and that will boost your self esteem even if you are not looking to date.

Everything is going to change. Now you need to find a way to fill up your time with new good things to do. Get out of the house and start exploring. Sitting home sucks, all you do is think about painful things, you need positive distractions.

This will be a great time for growth as an individual if you take advantage of it. Take a step back and finish things you have been putting off. Learn new things that you have always wanted to know. Growing will make you happy again and bring new thoughts and people in to your life over a short period of time. Put more time in to music to become better at it. Now is the time to write some music, you have a lot of material to work with, unfortunately.
Sebastian, Some great advice for Tex here!

-Wolfram
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post #14 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Divorce

Thank you. We still haven't figured out what/when to tell our son. He starts Kindergarten tomorrow, and for right now we're just trying to make sure he gets started with a positive experience.

I have no delusions of trying to fix anything, I realize it's a matter of us growing in different directions and there's nothing either of us can do to fix it. I don't want to, really. Not that I don't want her-I really do-but it wouldn't be fair to her, and I love her too much to put her through that.
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post #15 of 87 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Divorce Sucks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sebastian View Post
6finger, just let this alone. If you can't understand you haven't been in his place emotionally.

I understand what he is feeling. When something like this happens, your whole life looses direction and you feel displaced in your own life when you knew where it was going just a short while ago. It sucks the good out of every second of your life. You can't sleep or eat or smile at all.
The best thing you can do to take the edge off your pain, is put all that painful energy in to something(s) good. Start by improving your image, exercise, eat better, buy a few new pieces of clothing, get a haircut. Exercise helps with the stress and lack of sleep. Brushing up your image will bring attention from women and that will boost your self esteem even if you are not looking to date.

Everything is going to change. Now you need to find a way to fill up your time with new good things to do. Get out of the house and start exploring. Sitting home sucks, all you do is think about painful things, you need positive distractions.

This will be a great time for growth as an individual if you take advantage of it. Take a step back and finish things you have been putting off. Learn new things that you have always wanted to know. Growing will make you happy again and bring new thoughts and people in to your life over a short period of time. Put more time in to music to become better at it. Now is the time to write some music, you have a lot of material to work with, unfortunately.
It sounds like you've been there. You're describing exactly what I feel(well, as close as words can come anyway). I've decided it's time to get down and start the guitar teaching business I've been planning for awhile.
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