Guide to health - LOL - Jemsite
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-26-2006, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Essen, Germany
Posts: 84
Talking Guide to health - LOL

Finally - the truth about diets and health. Have fun!


A question and answer session

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain?
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of
vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio
is one to
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans ... another
vegetable!!! It's the
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about
food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-26-2006, 12:46 PM
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Re: Guide to health - LOL

This one's for Kenny
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-26-2006, 12:46 PM
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Re: Guide to health - LOL

thats hilarious
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-26-2006, 08:20 PM
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Re: Guide to health - LOL

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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-26-2006, 11:23 PM
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Re: Guide to health - LOL

These are all words of wisdom that I firmly believe in. In fact, these guidelines should be in every home kitchen and every gym/fitness center.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2006, 02:48 AM
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Re: Guide to health - LOL



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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2006, 06:20 AM
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Re: Guide to health - LOL

Good one!
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2006, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Essen, Germany
Posts: 84
Re: Guide to health - LOL

Glad you liked it!

My favorite is "If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me."

Today I could apply this one when a female coworker asked about how to improve her fitness.

Judging from her figure, I would say she has started swimming quite some time ago

Of course, only joking. Im not exactly a beach fashion model either
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2006, 12:42 PM
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Gainesville, FL
Posts: 5,711
Re: Guide to health - LOL

thanks! great fun!

Music is something bigger and greater than myself and I'm just glad to be a part of it. -TJ

A wise man once told me, "never discuss politics or religion in a disco enviroment" -Frank Zappa
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-28-2006, 09:11 AM
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Location: Finland
Posts: 633
Re: Guide to health - LOL

That was funny. Made me think about opening a new thread on health... I really need some help.
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-28-2006, 09:25 AM
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Re: Guide to health - LOL

Great Stuff!
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