Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
I am a strange, hypocritical person
I'm 17 years old, and I have a head full of confusion. There are some things about me that confuse me. I'd like to share my weird feelings with you all, and maybe some of you can help me make some sense out of it. Here goes...
My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and I love her to death. I am a fairly liberal musician, though I have some conservative thoughts like if you're going to do something, do it well...blah blah, very grandfather type stuff. But she is a VERY liberal rebellious person...the way she's been brought has assured this. She's had very little family love/compassion her entire life, and finally last year she became quite a partier/pothead. I made her cool down, and she introduced me to marijuana, which I thoroughly enjoy from time to time. She writes fantastic, funny, witty, satirical short stories and poems. Like I said, I love her to death. Our relationship is very mature for our age and I can honestly see us getting married one day. But here's the weird part...
On the topic of her very liberal, rebellious nature, she sometimes pisses me off, even though I might agree with her on a given subject. Or maybe reading the poetry she wrote when she was stoned makes me mad, or thinking of when she was a big pothead. It ENRAGES me for some reason, even though we agree on alot of things and I enjoy the wacky tobacky from time to time myself. She's heading off to college next year (I'll be senior in high school) and I'm paranoid that she's going to party a crap load and become and bum and get raped or something, even though I know her will is very strong. She is determined to not suck like her mom and works VERY hard, but I have this constant paranoia about her for no reason. I hope you, so far, understand.
I understand why thinking back to her pothead days makes me mad, because she was spending a lot of time with a bunch of shady dudes (I'm also a very jealous guy...if I see her talking to another man, I get mildly upset, though I've learned to suppress it) and I was scared for her well-being. But getting mad at her satirical poetry or ideas is weird because I agree with her. Another very odd example is that we watched "The Doors" movie a couple nights ago...I was telling her how it was getting me in the mood to try shrooms and she was telling me that it was a dumb idea. Today she was at work and it was slow and she finished the movie, called me, and said that she was in the mood to smoke, and I got mad! Which of course made me mad at myself. I wasn't outwardly mad at her, I just agreed with what she was saying. The thought of her partying with other people upsets me too.
She is sort of into that Zen/Buddha style hippie thing and I'm not, which is cool, but she writes alot about that stuff and reading it upsets me. These are all just examples of what it's like, and no, my life isn't drugs...just alot of these examples pertain to them. It's not totally serious, though I'm making it sound like it is; it doesn't consume me. It's just mildly annoying. I've gotten alot better at accepting her hippie ways, and I'm starting to mimic some of them.
The bottom line is that I get angry at some things that I agree with. What the hell?