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post #1 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-28-2004, 11:35 PM Thread Starter
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Just For Laughs

We haven't had a good thread where people can just read and laugh, so post up some funny stories, real, unreal, matters not as long as it gets a laugh and makes somebody spew milk out of their nose.

Here's one to start -

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an a$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called A$$hole #1.


"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."

Then I called A$$hole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my g_a_y lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.
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post #2 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 12:00 AM
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If that story is true you have got to come over and help me set up a couple of a$$holes of my own.

Great story, man.
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post #3 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 01:32 AM
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What a great story!

Too band I ain't got any good stories myself. At least none that I can think of this early in the morning.
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post #4 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 01:34 AM
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Awesome story, man!

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post #5 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 04:15 AM
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I'm in stitches! It's like I say, don't get Rich Harris on your bad side!!!!
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post #6 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 05:49 AM
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You were the one setting us up!!!
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post #7 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 06:37 AM
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that's hilarious
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post #8 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 09:07 AM
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Got that one in an email b4, still love it.
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post #9 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 09:15 AM
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post #10 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 09:25 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by bammbamm
Got that one in an email b4, still love it.
Exactly, but I laughed my ass off, which is the point of this thread. So, MAKE ME LAUGH!!
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post #11 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 10:08 AM
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Ok I've had to go diging in my emails but I found these 2 that I think are quite funny.

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:

Things That Are VERY Difficult To Say When You're Drunk:
Cogito ergo sum
Passive-aggressive disorder

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE To Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to go to bed with you
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't, no one wants to hear me sing!


Lesson 1: Borrowing A Tab

WITHIN MINUTES of arriving in Newcastle you will encounter the legendary Geordie hospitality, when a complete stranger approaches you with his right hand extended. "Lenz a tab," he'll say.
You have made a pal, and he is suggesting you cement the friendship with the long-term loan of a cigarette. You, in turn, are obliged to lend him one.
This routine will happen every time you venture out in Newcastle. So if you don't smoke, now's a good time to start.
The "friendliest" types are young lads wearing colourful sportswear and a "nippa" behind their ear, who sound as though they're talking through their left nostril.
When he says "Lenz a tab," you will reply "nee bother, charver." He'll be sure to look out for you in future.
He may have a female with him. She'll also be wearing sportswear, dripping with gold-coloured jewellery. The fringe of her yellow hair will have been carefully sprayed over a coke tin until it's twice the size of her head. She is known as a Kappa Slapper or "me bewer."
In this case you will offer two cigarettes. And if you're feeling particularly gregarious, add the words "bet she gans like the clappaz." Your wit will be noted.
Now that you understand this easy piece of etiquette, why not try it yourself? Simply walk up to a stranger in a bar or on a bus, lean close to their face, and say the words: "Lenz a tab."
Better still, try it on everyone you pass in the street, you'll be surprised at the interesting situations this can lead to.
And you'll know when you've met a true kindred spirit, when they reply "Ah was ganna ask yee."

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post #12 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 11:18 AM
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[staring at computer screen with confused look on face...]

The first one was a riot. Missed something with the second.

Here's one:

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused.

The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said.....

"I would have gotten out today."
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post #13 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 11:44 AM
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Absolutely classics ... Lurve the Newcastle one ...

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post #14 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 11:56 AM
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I am sorry, but Rich's story has never made me laugh as much in a long time. Bloody hilarious, thats cheered me right up that has - brilliant stuff.
Gary - The.Godfather
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post #15 of 43 (permalink) Old 04-29-2004, 12:22 PM
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Rich, this thread is out of line. There are far too many serious problems in the world to be concerned with, you should feel ashamed for trying to make light of everything. Sorry I must go on...

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on
TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership.

Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of.

Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.

Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear..

jay ratkowski is offline  

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