living with your mother-in-law - Jemsite
Off-topic / Miscellaneous Talk about miscellaneous stuff off-topic and not related to music, guitars or bands. No music, gear or anything guitar related here please.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
 
shredmaster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Chicago
Posts: 2,494
living with your mother-in-law

just wanted to hear some thoughts from those who are doing it and why you are doing it.

for me, as many of you may know, my father-in-law who i loved very much passed away last week. i also love my mother-in-law...she is cool BUT now my wife says she has to move in with us since she does NOT want to live alone. this puts me in a rough spot.

she is 62...not really that old but she has bad arthritis and it's hard for her to get around. also, she can't drive...never learned, never wants to learn. being in the house all alone won't be bad since my wife works across the street from her so nothing would really change if she lived alone.....my wife would still see her mom twice a day....BUT they both want her to live with us.

there are pros and cons to this of course. first off, she wants to sell her house and use the money to put down on a larger house for us. that's really nice of her. that means i have to sell our townhome, which i love, and have put so much attention and money into. i didn't want to move for a couple years at least...we have only been there for a year! not to mention what happens when God forbid she passes away...her kids will come after us to sell the house that she put money into? unless her name isn't on the mortgage...too much BS to deal with.

we could have a much larger house, paying less than what we are for a smaller house now, due to the sale of both homes. but there would be less privacy, large house or not. if i want to jam and record in the basement, sound proofed or not, there would be noise. her mom said she is ok with that. yeah right......right now she's cool with it. i just don't know.

right now she is living with us while her kitchen is being remodeled and i can't wait until it is done. our place is too small for 4 people (my wife has a kid.) maybe it would be better in a larger home.....i don't want to rush anything. they are the ones rushing.

anyway, who else has went through this ....... i would love to hear your story.
shredmaster is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 02:20 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: london,uk
Posts: 6,512
Re: living with your mother-in-law

Whatever you decide bro,make sure you give it a lot of thought for as long as possible,coz after what you've just been through you might make a decision you are not comfortable with.I understand what you are thinking about her being there permanently though,you can't feel alone in your own home with some-one else living there.Is she the type of person that would try and "take over"? I don't mean that in a nasty way,but just some people are like that.Things like interfering when you have to discipline your wifes kid,telling you things you should be doing in your house.It's a hugely complicated situation.And like you said,could cause many future problems too.You don't seem to be able to get a break just now.Good luck with whatever you decide.Does she live close by now?
andy7jem is offline  
post #3 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 02:29 PM
Moderator
 
GilkyBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Jacksonville, NC
Posts: 4,107
Re: living with your mother-in-law

If the wife works right across the street from her now, I would think that would be good enough. I completely understand your hesitation. That thought terrifies me, I get along great with my in-laws, but living together is a whole nother issue. Good point about is she the type that would slowly try to take over? And you say the wife has a kid? Meaning not yours? I know, I know, you love the child like your own, but I can foresee a situation way down the road where all of a sudden it is the wife, the child (not yours) and the wife's mom, and guess who loses at every decision? It would only take a little while after her moving in for it to be normal and natural and all to be comfortable with it, maybe a few months, opening the door to her injecting herself into every decision made. That said, I hope to God when I am that age and alone that I have someone that will take me in. I guess the basis for whether they will or not would be decided by how I have treated them my whole life. So, how long have you known her and how has she treated you? Liked you from the start? Never wanted her daughter to marry you, etc, etc, Good luck bro, I don't envy the position you are in.
GilkyBear is offline  
post #4 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
 
shredmaster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Chicago
Posts: 2,494
Re: living with your mother-in-law

hey dude, you're right, i get no breaks ever.

she is 20 minutes away. her house is 20 seconds walking distance across the street from my wife's job! she sees her twice a day because of this! really nothing would change if she lived alone. when my father-in-law was alive he wouldn't drive her anywhere...so there really is no change. my wife would still have to do it. i guess the difference is that she wouldn't have to make a 20-minute drive. there are pros and cons but at the end of the day i would say no to it. i want my own life and i can't risk being told what to do or how to do it. she wouldn't be controlling but there are things i'm sure would happen. it's been really hot here the last few days...upper 90's with humidity. of course the A/C was on mainly to just get the humidity out....not cold in the house....just right. she doesn't like A/C. she likes it hot and humid...she never uses A/C. well that ain't gonna fly with me.....with the pc's and guitars and dogs in the house as well......it's A/C...sorry. she hasn't said much on that yet but i know she wants to. if someone gives you a large downpayment....i'm sure she will be saying more things. that is something i will not risk but what do you do? my wife calls me up just an hour ago and says we should make the move since it's the end of the school year for her kid and she doesn't want to do anything in the middle of a school year.

i'll tell you what.....if my wife wants to do this, she will do all the legwork. i did it for this house...attorneys, banks, loan officers, brokers, appraisers, setting appointments. i'm not doing anything. also, whatever profit from our house i make, i'm keeping for myself. i put all the money in, i should be able to keep what little i make on equity if they expect me to do this.

i'm almost positive that she will take my side with my wife's brat kid. sorry, but she is 12 going on 25. her mom reprimands the kid and it might be nice to have someone on my side for once. my wife can't stick to her guns and the kid runs her at times. not in my house.

Last edited by shredmaster; 06-01-2006 at 02:44 PM.
shredmaster is offline  
post #5 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 02:31 PM
rgr
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Longmont, Colorado
Posts: 1,882
Re: living with your mother-in-law

You're in a tough spot, if you say no, it will at a minimum create copious amounts of friction in your relationship with your wife, at most, you may have plenty of private time. I don't envy you your situation, the thoughts of my MIL having to move in with us wouldn't thrill me in the least, I don't discriminate, I love my own Mom, but I wouldn't like the thoughts of her living with us either.

I think, and trust me, I'm not an expert in family relations, that if you agree to this, you need to have some terms that you go in with. You need a place to place, minimum is a basement that can be sound dampened (total soundproofing is physically impossible) or better, a secondary detached building/garage/whatever that can be your fortress of solitude.

That's only part of the equation, and the easier one to fix. The other part is the privacy issue, face it, alot of us don't totally "let our hair down", even around family, now that we half left the nest. Especially around in-laws, we didn't grow up around them so they are technically family. It sounds like you had a good relationship with them and were close, that's good, but I think you know what I mean. So, the face that you put on when you are around them now will become more of a permanent thing. It will settle down as time goes on, but it will change how you act at your home.

I don't know man, you need to alone time to think about it for yourself too, you're kinda in a no-win situation that you and your wife are going to have to figure out the best compromise to. So, sorry, no real advice, more just observations.

Most experts say that you should not make these kinds of major decisions for at least 6 months after a loss like this. I would try to convince them of that. Who knows, she may end up disliking living with you more than you think you are going to dislike the situation now, then everyone is stuck.

Roger

Last edited by rgr; 06-01-2006 at 02:39 PM.
rgr is offline  
post #6 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 02:32 PM
site founder 0% owner
 
jemsite's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: NJ - USA
Posts: 11,479
Reviews: 1
Re: living with your mother-in-law

I would highly recommend you get her on a list for "senior apartments" in a nice town nearby (if not yours). they are rent controlled and quite nice with good ammeneties perfectly suited to someone in her situation. not saying to move in there next week, as this can take months to sort out (and find an opening) but it buys time as NONE of you are able to clearly make any type of decision. they have activities, free local transportation and often are in centers of towns where people can get out, walk and shop locally since they don't drive

i'm not talking assisted living or anything like a nursing home. this is a rent controlled appt for adults typically over 55.

perhaps you can let her spend a few evenings (nights?) a week at your home until she acclimates to being "alone". that is a difficult time for all.

i would highly advise against her moving in now on a permanent. save that for a later date or when she's older. if you do then it would be only "temporary" with a clear date/timeframe for her moving into an apartment.

your marriage and relationship might greatly suffer (two newly weds) with a 62-year old woman in the household, as nice as a person she might be. she would probably usurp your wife's role as an adult (ie. living w/ mom she's now a daughter as much as a wife/mother).

larger house is not an issue here. she can sell her home at her convenience without haste to get maximum resale. unfortunatly she can't run away from the death of her spouse and she needs to be an independant person sooner than later. moving in with you guys doesn't help that long term.

now if she was 20 years older that would be a different situation.

good luck... glen
jemsite is offline  
post #7 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
 
shredmaster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Chicago
Posts: 2,494
Re: living with your mother-in-law

Glen,

i completely agree with you. i'm trying to convince my wife of those things as well. unfortunately these 2 are joined at the hip and she wants to live with her mommy. that is great, but i hate that i'm being sucked into it. and my wife wants it done now now now so she can enrole her daughter in a school in the new area. this is just too fast. she is not seeing that our marriage is tough enough, let alone introduce her mother into the equation. i have to talk to her tonight....but where? outside? her mom is sprawled out on my couch in our small living room watching jeopardy!! DAMNIT!!!!!

not to sound mean, but on the lines of looking out for myself, that is why i need some rules such as....the equity from our home we sell goes to me. i will keep it in savings in case something happens such as i need to move out.

and there are things that my wife has never thought of.....not to sound morbid and i don't want to think this at all...but what if, God Forbid, something should happen to my wife? then i'm living with her mother? that can't happen. that is bad to say....but how far can you push someone? things like this need to be noticed.

again, thanks for all your views and angles on this. i forsee many fights with this. there is no talking, only resistance.......as someone said, it is a lose-lose situation. there is no meeting halfway.

i know her mother will not want the assisted living or apartment thing. she even said to my wife....work on steve...see what you can do....i don't want to live alone. COME ON!!!! NO GUILT RIGHT? i told my wife that my 2 grandmothers and my brother's mother in law live alone. they are all fine!

this should be a fun ride.
shredmaster is offline  
post #8 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 03:11 PM
Moderator
 
GilkyBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Jacksonville, NC
Posts: 4,107
Re: living with your mother-in-law

Shredmaster, it looks like it is going to be a hard ride. Appears that they have already made their decision. Maybe you should just bluntly say Look, I love your mom like my own and all that, but her living with us just doesn't work for me. And if it's a dealbreaker, then better we know it now than 2 years from now when there is a new house involved, and now you are on the hook for the new mortgage payment, because it was purchased after you got married. And MIL put her life savings into the place, so you will be totally screwed. And god forbid your marriage doesn't work out, you will be paying extra because once MIL moves in, you have now accepted her as your dependant. Same as a child, correct me if I'm wrong.
GilkyBear is offline  
post #9 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 04:09 PM
rgr
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Longmont, Colorado
Posts: 1,882
Re: living with your mother-in-law

Quote:
Originally Posted by shredmaster
her mom is sprawled out on my couch in our small living room watching jeopardy!!
Sounds like the best time in the world to go throw in a *insert offensive metal band here* DVD, turn it up to 10 and say "Sorry Mom, but I just gotta be me".

Sorry, couldn't resist... I feel for you dude.
rgr is offline  
post #10 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 05:26 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: london,uk
Posts: 6,512
Re: living with your mother-in-law

She has to realise that once you are married you need to leave the parental home.Marriages are hard enough,(already got one behind me!!) you need a proper family unit just you, your wife and any kids.The MIL doesn't seem to be showing any respect for the whole situation.I know it's a hard time for her,but would desroying her daughters marriage make her feel any better.
I know it sounds harsh,but you do need to watch out for yourself financially.I used to work with a guy who was on his 3rd marriage and 3rd house!!! Lost the first two!!
Good luck bro.
andy7jem is offline  
post #11 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 05:39 PM
 
bluealien's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 959
Re: living with your mother-in-law

Well my brother did it with his wife's mom, then lived with my mom for a while, and then saved up enough money to go and buy a house... so I guess that was a plus; but I could never do it.
bluealien is offline  
post #12 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 06:40 PM
site founder 0% owner
 
jemsite's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: NJ - USA
Posts: 11,479
Reviews: 1
Re: living with your mother-in-law

your wife can't think straight, nor her mom nevermind yourself. She needs to understand that - don't appease her. To cut to the chase ultimately it might be her choice between "mommy" or "you".

I can say this with certainty... you ABSOLUTELY need to get some GROUND RULES ESTABLISHED ASAP. Define your "marriage" and "goals" and "future". "Living with mommy" at this point is not your idea of a future obviously nor would any husband your age.

If you need a councellor, therapist, clergyman, etc. to be a mediator that is needed BEFORE you guys split off in separate directions. She seems to be choosing "mommy" as her direction (ie. reverting to her childhood family and not establishing a "family" with you) and she needs to seriously rethink that. The tone of your posts indicate trouble ahead for you guys unless you two GET ON THE SAME PAGE ASAP.

time is of the essence here... glen
jemsite is offline  
post #13 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 08:52 PM
rgr
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Longmont, Colorado
Posts: 1,882
Re: living with your mother-in-law

I totally agree with Glen, forgive my juvenile post earlier, it brought up images of my MIL sitting in my living room. I edited my first post to include this but it may have gotten missed:

"Most experts say that you should not make these kinds of major decisions for at least 6 months after a loss like this. I would try to convince them of that. Who knows, she may end up disliking living with you more than you think you are going to dislike the situation now, then everyone is stuck."

Your wife and MIL (and you as well from your post) have both just lost someone very near to them and, as Glen said, aren't thinking straight. Everyone needs to take some time to mourn and re-collect themselves before any major life decisions are made. Unfortunately it sounds like you realize this but they don't. Good luck to you, my thoughts and prayers will be with all of you at this time.

Roger
rgr is offline  
post #14 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 09:56 PM
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: usa
Posts: 2,612
Re: living with your mother-in-law

Quote:
Originally Posted by rgr
Sounds like the best time in the world to go throw in a *insert offensive metal band here* DVD, turn it up to 10 and say "Sorry Mom, but I just gotta be me".

Sorry, couldn't resist... I feel for you dude.

I go along with this.... God love her.... but you married her daughter. Help all you can, but you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. If you can afford it, get a house with a mom-in-law suite. Set the ground rules. It's your life too. Hang in there!
jemplayer55 is offline  
post #15 of 63 (permalink) Old 06-01-2006, 11:22 PM
 
ScottB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pasadena, MD
Posts: 2,217
Re: living with your mother-in-law

My MIL has been divorced since the late '60s. She's been in a steady relationship with her current boyfriend for 15 years. They live rent free, in a caretaker apartment at the beachclub they belong to. Their place is about 5 miles away. She owns her own home, but it's in a city neighborhood that's slowly sinking into the hands of prostitution and drug dealers. She has stated that if her relationship should ever fail, she'd never be able to return to her home.

If the wife ever came to me with the proposition of her mom living with us, (I don't think she ever would) there would have to be room on the property to build a separate set of living quarters. I love her dearly, but I could never live in the same house with her and feel comfortable.

I would advise you not to sell your townhouse and move to a larger place this summer. If you do, all of the chips are lined up in their favor and your happy relationship is doomed to fail.

How do your wife's siblings feel about this? Maybe one of them can talk to the mom and your wife and present a reasonable alernative solution.

Good luck.

~Scott
ScottB is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Jemsite forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address

IMPORTANT: You will be required to activate your account so please ensure that your email address is correct.

If you do not receive your activation check your spam folder before using the CONTACT US form (at the bottom right of each page).



Email Address:
OR

Log-in











Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Mother of Pearl inlays? Tom Gilroy Tech: Setup, Repairs and Mods 2 03-23-2005 01:46 PM
Mother of Pearl "wallpaper" dex Tech: Setup, Repairs and Mods 9 03-18-2004 02:46 PM
Friday Feb 27th The Rob Balducci Band opens for Living Color balducci Players & Bands, Music & Sounds, Tours & Jams, Lessons & Theory! 3 02-20-2004 06:57 PM
In Living Colour !!! - yee haa ! Jupiter Players & Bands, Music & Sounds, Tours & Jams, Lessons & Theory! 14 09-04-2003 09:24 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome