Only In America - Jemsite
Off-topic / Miscellaneous Talk about miscellaneous stuff off-topic and not related to music, guitars or bands. No music, gear or anything guitar related here please.

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 08:37 AM Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Gainesville, FL
Posts: 5,711
Only In America

these have been around for a long time but we all need a good laugh from time to time so enjoy! BTW - these aren't exclusive to America - i like the last one! lol!


Body: Body: 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......do they have authentic Mexican, authentic Italian, authentic French, non-authentic Mexican, authentic American, and authentic Chinese in a .5 mile radius

EVER WONDER????

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

~~~~

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...
I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about
a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Music is something bigger and greater than myself and I'm just glad to be a part of it. -TJ

A wise man once told me, "never discuss politics or religion in a disco enviroment" -Frank Zappa
screamndemon69 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 09:18 AM
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Odense S, Denmark
Posts: 9,952
Re: Only In America



Regards

André



fettouhi is offline  
post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 09:24 AM
 
Davey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 4,800
Re: Only In America

I've read these before and they are good...

Quote:
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals."
Davey is offline  
post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 09:33 AM
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: São Paulo - BRAZIL
Posts: 4,066
Re: Only In America

Are you American??? LOL!!!
Funiest thing ever, dude!
Congratz,
Tubarão.
WillTubarao is offline  
post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 10:01 AM
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 3,422
Re: Only In America

ill add to it one of my favorites

Onlin in America: Where poor people are fat..
ibanezcollector is offline  
post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 10:15 AM
 
mi2tom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Penang, Malaysia
Posts: 7,559
Re: Only In America

LOL
mi2tom is offline  
post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 10:17 AM
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 233
Re: Only In America

what a winner!
LOL>
rguser is offline  
post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 10:43 AM
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 2,561
Reviews: 34
Re: Only In America

Quote:
Originally Posted by screamndemon69

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Dude, it's a SWEDISH chainsaw
nickcoumbe is offline  
post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 11:13 AM
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 85
Re: Only In America

Very nice to wake up and read something funny this morning! My favorite has to be...,
Only in America....Can a poor black boy boy from the south named Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman. TUGGEY
tuggey is offline  
post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 11:55 AM
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,140
Re: Only In America

Good thread. Thanks for that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tuggey
Only in America....Can a poor black boy boy from the south named Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman.
nice!
southpaw_lefty is offline  
post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 03:55 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 442
Re: Only In America

haha,. this is great
guitardevil2005 is offline  
post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 04:00 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 442
Re: Only In America

iv always wondered why there is brail on bank drive-thrus
guitardevil2005 is offline  
post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-27-2006, 06:49 PM
 
ScottB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Pasadena, MD
Posts: 2,217
Re: Only In America

Quote:
Originally Posted by tuggey
Very nice to wake up and read something funny this morning! My favorite has to be...,
Only in America....Can a poor black boy boy from the south named Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman. TUGGEY
The Jacksons are from Gary, Indiana. They had a song on one of their albums about it. "I'm Going Back to Indiana".

<worthless music trivia mode off>
ScottB is offline  
post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 03-01-2006, 01:24 AM
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Yardley, PA
Posts: 1,934
Re: Only In America

They sound like they are from George Carlin, FUNNY!
rickcard71 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Jemsite forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address

IMPORTANT: You will be required to activate your account so please ensure that your email address is correct.

If you do not receive your activation check your spam folder before using the CONTACT US form (at the bottom right of each page).



Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Coming to America! Wolfram Off-topic / Miscellaneous 16 06-05-2013 04:17 PM
OIL - America has more than you think shredmaster Off-topic / Miscellaneous 25 01-02-2011 02:25 AM
Grand Tour Of America Ant1981 Off-topic / Miscellaneous 15 02-18-2008 04:55 PM
Copa America 2007 jb4674 Off-topic / Miscellaneous 3 06-28-2007 02:17 PM
JEM shipment when in North america ? hollow125 Ibanez JEM, UV, JS & Other Signature Models 2 05-16-2007 10:58 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome