IS IT WRONG? - when you have friends who are girls?? - Jemsite
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post #1 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
 
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IS IT WRONG? - when you have friends who are girls??

i'll make this short and sweet. *i have a girlfriend and we're cool most of the time. *i also have a couple good friends who are girls whom i haven't seen in over a year due to many things...guitar, band, work, video production stuff i do, hangin' on jemsite, etc. *i'm always busy. *

anyway, i have a feeling that if i went out for coffee or a drink with them there would be an issue. *of course i want to tell my girlfriend but i don't want issues. *she totally knows i would never cheat or sneak around and i never have with anyone! *i was raised to never do that to anyone and always do to others what you would want done to you. *long story short, i really miss these girls...there are only really 2 that i am good friends with....

i would love to just go xmas shopping with them or just out to coffee. *now, don't think that i'm whipped in any way (or even battered or fried for that matter)...... i don't take a backseat to anyone, never have. *i just don't want to hurt anyone. *i put everyone before me usually. *now my GF knows for sure nothing would happen but at the same time, i have mentioned it to her and she said YEAH OF COURSE IT'S COOL,,,WHAT A DUMB QUESTION. *yeah, until i do it... right?

so, is it wrong to just go out after work for coffee and say i went to guitar center or something? *that sounds so bad. *i just don't want to deal with unecessary BS. *or i could say this.....

ME; i'm going with jen for coffee tonight.
HER; who's jen
ME; a friend i haven't seen in over a year.
HER; i guess, can i go with you guys and hang out? *
ME; well, it's like a friends night out.
HER; well if it's no big deal and if she knows you have a GF then why can't i go?
ME; *cuz it's just me and her, friends night out, just like you have girls night out. *i haven't seen her in a year. *
HER; *so you want to be alone with her then.....

i'm sure we have all been there onstage and then after the show a chick comes up and says how much she liked the show. *then she leaves, pack up my guitar, and the GF says... what the hell was that about? *you know what i'm sayin'?

so anyway, what are your takes on this? *have you been there, and what did you do?
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post #2 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 04:08 PM
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IS IT WRONG?

this is easy (and tough).

First make sure your GF is *aware* of your friend.... identifies the name and the person's history with you. This eliminates the "who is that" and "where are you going" factor. So if they've never met, i advise bringing the GF along... this will eliminate any problems. Especially if your friend has a BF they can bring along. Two couples. Next time, meeting up with just you and your friend will pose no problem...

unless your GF doesn't like or is threatened by your "friend" in which your friend will take a backseat while the GF is in the picture

it's best to start this out in the beginning (ie. maintain friends even when you get serious with a new GF)...glen
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post #3 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 04:08 PM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

hehehe, the trial and tribulations of love. *
Basically, here is the scoop, if she trusts you, then it should be fine. *the thing is, you have to trust her that she trusts you. *Otherwise, you'll be looking for problems and that will lead to problems. *Just trust her, let her trust you, and if she say's there is no problem, believe it's no problem. *Have a little faith, just don't make a habit of going out with these friends every other night, or staying out until 4 in the morning with them. *
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post #4 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 04:13 PM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

ummm


Yeah..

I have been with my fiancee for 3 years now. *I live with her, we is in love.

I have several friends...female, known them for 5 or more years. *We have histories together and it bothers my gal to heck when we spend time together ...but not an outrageous, jealous, where were you kind of bother...but a "i hate that you hang with that 'good looking' girl and she's just a friend...

The vibe'll never leave my fiancee that they are attractive and still 'just friends'....she trusts me to death (as she should!) and it doesn't hurt 'our' relationship..but my feeling that I am trying to get across is that the 'minor' threat that she'll feel may never go away...but reassurances are nice...be it verbal (baby you're still the ONLY one ever for me), an action (while I was out I thought of you and wanted to give you a hug), or both (insert your own thing here).

COMMUNICATE!!!!
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post #5 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
 
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IS IT WRONG?

yeah, that makes sense. *i forgot to mention one thing here.....

my bass player is married and we have all hung out together a handful of times and everyone gets along. *it's all good. *the girls like each other. *

we went to a bar to check out a band the day before thanksgiving....last month. *well, i talked to everyone that night...a group of us. *i spent maybe a total of 10 min's talking to debbie, my bass players wife. *

ok, here it is...... something that never happened before happened now! *

my GF got up and left me there with no ride home. *well, my other friends drove me home. *she had a look from hell on her face and i said WHAT? *she said YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID! *i said, uh, what? *she got up and left. *of course that was my fault and she didn't call me for 4 days. *

so even though she knew this girl and she is married and we all get along, ummmm....there was an issue. *i was embarrassed and humiliated that night and she still says it is my fault.... i was paying more attention to debbie than her and of course i want to be with debbie and of course i think she is more interesting....... i really love when people talk for me. *we fought like crazy for 2 weeks cuz of that.

(Edited by shredmaster at 4:19 pm on Dec. 21, 2001)
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post #6 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 04:30 PM
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IS IT WRONG?

OUCH that is not good Still i'd like to hear "her" side of the story :biggrin:

sounds like your GF just has issues with "debbie" (or other friends)... ones she's clearly not be COMMUNICATING with you as Goldboy said. In circumstances like this, I advise treading lightly when you all are together... reassuring your GF and making sure she feels like SHE is the bulk of your attention. Sort of silly but you don't want a repeat of last month. I'd probably send her packing over something like that, but that is me... not advising YOU to do something so drastic. I don't like high-maintenance or insecure chicks but with COMMUNICATION this can be worked-out and hopefully avoid an instant replay... glen

PS - you drive and hold the keys next time :biggrin:
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post #7 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 04:33 PM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

Quote:
jemsite on 4:30 pm on Dec. 21, 2001
OUCH that is not good Still i'd like to hear "her" side of the story :biggrin:



PS - you drive and hold the keys next time :biggrin:
I agree with everything Glen said, but this line just slays me LOL, I have to agree, you drive, it's safer that way!!! hahahaha
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post #8 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
 
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glen, i ALWAYS drive! *i love to drive! *and i always do. *the ONE TIME i don't.........

well, i'm still trying to figure out her side. *seeing as how i hugged a good friend 3 times within 20 min's who is a girl....that same night. *and that wasn't a problem. *but yet, with deb, who she knows, and i didn't even hug deb, she left me at the table. *

all i can say is that her side was something like this.... you seem more interested in what she had to say and i saw how she laughed at stuff you were saying and how close you were to her. *well, when you're 10' feet away from power amps of a metallica tribute band, you have to yell in the person's ear. *she had the nerve to say..... it wasn't that loud!?!?! *

needless to say, as much as i care for her and stuff, it may end within a year. *i'm so not ready to propose to her. *there are too many things. *

could it be that debbie used to be a model for bathing suits and lingerie? *it doesn't matter....i didn't do anything. *i didn't get upset when she talked with her guy friends there that I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!! *

chicks..... see how they are!
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post #9 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 05:59 PM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

What you have here is a chick. *Plain and simple.
Chicks are mental.

The alternative to this is smelly, hairy man-ass.

Your choice.
~K
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post #10 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-21-2001, 08:12 PM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

Every female has good & bad points. *Jealousy can be a bear. *I firmly believe you have to trust implicitly. *If that trust is betrayed by a person, it's over. *But unless that happens, trust MUST be there. *And no fair not trusting your partner because you were burned by someone else

I've taken Jujutsu with a woman that liked me at the time (AND was going through a divorce). *My wife knew this, and wasn't thrilled, but never complained. *Even when she knew we grappled together, attended out of town seminars (overnight hotel stay, but yes, seperate rooms), etc. *Why? *Because I didn't give her any reaon NOT to trust me. *When she goes to teaching seminars or stays late at school with her (good looking male) teaching partner, I don't even think twice, for the same reason.

Many girls are trained to look for issues and intrigue. *Bull sh*t
soap operas, office & backyard fence gossip, etc - something's just GOTTA be going on... A friend of mine once dated a psycho that loved to fight, because then you got to make up!
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post #11 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-24-2001, 06:18 AM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

Quote:
kennydoe on 5:59 pm on Dec. 21, 2001
What you have here is a chick. *Plain and simple.
Chicks are mental.

The alternative to this is smelly, hairy man-ass.

Your choice.
~K
I think I'll stick with the bunny boilers given that choice :biggrin:

I hate it when people I am with get all insecure and can't hack me running off and talking to people, I mean, after all, if I wanted to be alone with whatever GF I am with, I won't go out now will I? No point leaving home if all you are going to do is sit next to GF all night in a corner paying her attention...

The paranoia about what she's going to say about you meeting up with female friends might be justified, but if ou tell her in advnace then at least you've shown that there's nothing to hide. And if she wants to come with you, and you don't want her to, then just tell her you want to catch up with her, and that she's going to get bored just sitting there.

Then again, you never know, she might just along really well with your friend. Then again, maybe not...
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post #12 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-30-2001, 10:05 AM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

Quote:
so, is it wrong to just go out after work for coffee and say i went to guitar center or something?
To me, this sounds like a really bad idea. On the other hand, I'm not the one to give advice on relationships.

Oh, and you keeping the car keys at all times sounds like a GOOD idea. I once said that guitars and GF don't mix, well the same goes with GF and cars...
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post #13 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-30-2001, 10:29 AM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

Honesty and trust. Ahh yes the basis, so they say, of a healthy relationship.

Friendship is usually above and beyond the gender of an individual. So your good friends happen to be women. I agree with Glen, the best thing is to be honest with your GF from the start, if not it'll eventually come back to haunt you. And if all they are is truly just friends, you have nothing to hide.
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post #14 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-30-2001, 11:22 AM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

Your post starts off with the question "is it wrong to have girls as friends?" I say as long your having sex with them all there is nothing wrong! Jeeez! wanna trade places with me for awhile?! I'll show ya what to do. Of course my point of view may be a little warped in the eyes of some but let me tell ya don't EVER let a woman take away your B*LLS! This crap that your girlfriend is harping about will only get worse dude. Trust me. Just ask any of the men around who have been married for awhile and they'll tell you. My guess is that your a young guy. You have the rest of your life to start a life, family, etc. Cause after your married the fun sh*t is over. Especially after she starts sqeezing out a few kids. You'll begin to long for the days of yesterday. Live and enjoy them while you can as long as you can. If you choose to divorce later it will cost you, BIG, and the divorce rate today is soaring at 60%. Don't know if you wanna get married to this one or not but thought I'd just throw that stuff in. Don't take any chick too seriously. Who's next for some more World Splitting Knowledge?LOL
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post #15 of 61 (permalink) Old 12-30-2001, 01:34 PM
 
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IS IT WRONG?

What a fantastic topic to open up some rants...

After I got married and divorced to a woman like shredmaster's, I tried out a zillion different women and found that they were all the same. JESTER700 is also totally right. What I did is after the divorce I went out on tour for nearly five years and f*cked myself silly. No big relationships, I refused to get bound to any groupie. Hey, if they liked my because I was on stage, then I find their criteria pretty simple; you can bet they'll be swayed by the next guy up there as well.

At some point I found a decent woman and was ready to commit to her. No jealousy, she managed to separate herself from that soap opera crap world that we're spoon-fed here in the West. The point is: the woman will not trust you if you can't trust herself i.e. if she doesn't know herself. The last thing I wanted was another chick who would hang onto me. One who would leave me alone to go out and meet my friends (male and female). If she has nothing to do, no hobbies, no goals, no self confidence to give her any goals ***
security, then you're all she has.

If a woman ever did that to me, left in a huff for my talking to anybody else, I'd send her packing. As if she doesn't have you enough of the time; first she wants you at home, then also when you're out with your friends. How much attention can you give anything else when your woman wants all you have? When a woman would try to start to a fight over something like this, I'd say something to effect of "obviously I can't give you as much love as you need/deserve. Bye!"

Obviously, the key to any relationship is good communication. But when a chick is neurotic to begin with, then it's hopeless. But when the communication is good, then you'll both be able to trust each other since you know what the other's thinking most of the time. A good partner is like your best friend.

Even this month, where I'm playing 26 nights out of 31 days in December, my present woman doesn't feel the need to come and watch that I don't talk to anyone (like my ex-wife would do). Instead she stays in the hotel and occupies herself with her passions while I do so with mine. She trusts me, like I do her, that she's not screwing around while I'm playing. When she does come to my shows, she knows that girls coming up to me is part of the experience. I just don't do anything more than talk to them.

If there was something missing in your relationship that you felt was too hot to reproach your girlfriend about, then you'd probably be getting it elsewhere. But communication closes this gap. And if your partner won't/can't give it to you despite that, then you decide if you can compromise. It works both ways.

It's really quite simple, despite the length of my post!

Eric
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