Personally Kenny,

I wouldnt of said anything, but thats me.. I keep to myself about a lot of stuff..

I dont think you were in the wrong, and they do probably feel there privacy has been violated to a point. But I think they will see you came with good intentions and I bet ya one of them does take you up on your offer to talk.

Imagine you in there shoes, and the neighbor comes over and tells you hes heard the news, your first reaction is going to be shock that someone knows what you have been trying to keep under a blanket.

I think they will come around, you were not in the wrong, but they may still be shocked someone else knows.

Im 33 so I can comment

 

hold on... i stopped reading at "you're engaged".

i know your back was bothering you a bit... but did you suffer from a HEAD TRAUMA RECENTLY that we should know about

CALL 911!!!

ok, since you're breathing and typing i finished reading...

i have learned PEOPLE DON'T WANT YOUR OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS for the most part in difficult times UNLESS they specifically ASK (and even then i'd bet 50% of the time they just want to vent and dont really want your advice)

i think it's admirable that you cared enough to talk about it but you know the old saying... you can bring a horse to water but.

i have nice neighbors and know them all but i don't really discuss personal stuff too much for reasons such as this...glen

 

i have learned PEOPLE DON'T WANT YOUR OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS for the most part in difficult times UNLESS they specifically ASK (even than probably 50% of the time they just want to vent and dont want your advice).....glen

Words of wisdom.

And people HATE secrets; they always are more interested in who is spreading gossip than listening to someone who may be just trying to help them. And now they'll probably see you as complicit in the gossip, true or not.

On a lighter note, tell them the first one to buy you a new J.Custom will have the gossiper revealed to them.

 

Well...I don't know that I'm old enough to reply here:lol:

I guess my first question would be "How well do you know them??"

If you don't know them at all, then I would see why they we be offended. I would find it quite intrusive. I know you were just trying to help, but some things are not supposed to be anybody's business...

Ya know??

 

El Cid 29, 29 and a half if it makes my opinion more valid.

I would've stayed out of it. Your heart was in the right place, but obviously they didn't want that information getting out. Maybe their kids don't know yet and they want to find out who's talking to who to try to help keep it from the kids until they are ready for them to know.

 

Yeah Kenny, I agree with everything everyone is saying here. I would've just made small talk or something and if they wanted to bring it up so be it, but it is obvious your intentions were good. BTW, come on, who told ya?

 

^ Exactly correct is my guess in the above post.

 

Have to agree with the replies. You learn the hard way sometimes to mind your own business :sad: It is re-assuring to know that there are still some people left in the world that care though.
But yeah,it's probably a touchy subject unless it's some-one you've known all your life.

 

People in pain typically react by striking out. Ive been thru a divorce myself and when youre in that frame of mind, they best thing people can do around you is not prod and simply listen if you need to talk.

 

I always try to help people with their problems so I would have done the same. Nothing wrong with wanting to help ^_^.

 

I try to stay out of friends personal/relationship problems unless they bring it up. Even then, I think you can still get to involved or offer too much advice. Best just to be there for a friend without influencing their thoughts. I'm divorced too, and figure that any advice I give would be tainted. After all, who am I to give advice being I couldn't make things work myself. Just be there for them when they need you without getting too involved yourself.

 

I don't think I would have said anything to either of them. I might have found the time to be outside if the guy was outside, you know, to be available to chat, but I wouldn't have said anything. They know now that someone they trusted has betrayed one or both of them, and they don't know who; but they have proof. That in itself might become a point of contention between them.

 

Welcome to Wisteria Lane......:lol: Anyway, I have to agree with the sentiment here also. You have to realize if these people are your closest neighbors and you "didn't know", you might not be in their "inner circle" of friends. You could have used a different approach to your concerns and probibaly had a better reception to your "sharing of experience". Seems like most people are receptive to outside help...... as long as the presentation is subtle and on a one on one basis. Stating you heard it "through the grapevine" only adds to the anxiety and frustration this couple is experiencing. Not to mention the betrayal they must be feeling if the "beans were spilled" by someone from that "inner circle" of trusted friends. This in itself can add to the conflict present in there marriage. Can't you just hear it in one of their fights???..... "you told so and so and now look.... the whole damn neighborhood knows!" Anyway, you've made it apparent you'd like to help, now all you can do is continue to be the neighbor you were before offering this up. Let them make the next move. Don't bring it up again..... let them, if they choose to. Like "Mr WizardNeck" says.... there is nothing wrong with trying to help....... tactfully.

 

Unless we were "boys" I would feel awkward. I would feel paranoid everytime I left the house wondering who knew my business.

On the flip side, sometimes I think people need to have someone reach out to them. Some people may thrive or benefit from the un-solicited attention that you're giving to them.

 

Wisteria Lane...that's about right...

I've thought quite a lot about it after reading your responses and searching my soul...

While i don't disagree with those (most) of you who say 'stay out, unless they ask', i also know that i only WISH that I had future me come to me back in 2000 when i was in the awful place I was in.

What i'd heard from the gossipy neighbors was very vague and I wasn't entirely sure how far gone the marriage was. What i went in to say, first & foremost, was 'if the love is gone, it's gone....but if it's just bullsht stemming from money issues (as is probably the case 90% of the time), then there's far more value in getting past it.' What I've learned post-divorce (and call it 'growing up') is that being stubborn and insisting on 'winning' might get you a star in the 'won the fight' column, but what did you really win? Usually nothing. Without getting political here...we got Saddaam out of power, but what did we really win in doing so?' Don't answer.

I ultimately ended up finding out that tthe situation was too far gone to salvage and urged mediation, future planning, and reinforced the fact that, while it sucks being in the middle of it, it's not your life forever. They're young, attractive people. They'll both be remarried withint 4-5 years, I'd bet my next paycheck on it.

In any event, I felt that the words I had to offer him/them were time-sensitive and could have helped to make a difference in not only their lives, but the rest of their (very young) kids lives.

There doesn't seem to be animosity towards me from either party and i'm reasonably sure they both understand that I didn't show up there to take sides or pass judgement.

That being said, I will not offer anymore counsel until i'm solicited for counsel.

Tune in Next Sunday at 9pm

~K

 

I would'nt have said anything. Unless, as mentioned above, I was asked. Even then, I might've just lent an "ear". Sometimes, people just need to vent, more than they need/want "friendly advice".

It's something that they as a couple need to address. Judging from their reaction, it seemed more important to them to find out who was gossiping about them.

Anyway, your heart was in the right place. So, good on ya for that. Maybe next time just let them come to you, if they feel comfortable doing that.

 

Ahhhhh, hindsight...... Man, the world needs more people who care about their neighbors and friends and can show it. The tough part is opening the lines of communication without alienation.

 

If I was them, I'd be systematically trying to determine who it was that told you, then I'd stop being their friend! LOL My guess is someone was told in confidence...

Ah, who cares anyway if they think you crossed the line or not. You meant well. They'll probably come to appreciate your offer to help somewhere down the road, either when they patch things up or they move on and look back with more objectivity.

In the meantime, zippit.

 

I am 26.

I wouldn't have said anything to them. If they wanted to talk to me about it, they would have come to me themselves.

But, you know, I wouldn't worry about it. Your heart was in the right place. They probably know that too. So let it go man.

I would have offered help, the way you did, if I was really close to these folk. If I was their friend. Otherwise, I would have kept my distance.

But as I said before, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

 

I uh, don't have my ID on me but...

I'd seriously tell whoever told you to button their lips. Plus, me personally, I'd probably distance myself from them to a certain degree because what if YOU have something personal going on and they tell someone you didn't want to know? Again, that's just me personally, but yeah... I'd kinda tell that person off a little for spreading stuff even if it was only you they told. At the end of the day 'telling someone in confidence' is still spreading the news no matter how discrete the person is about it.

Good on you for trying though, it's a judgement call. I hope it makes YOU feel better that you didn't just stand there idly. Be proud of yourself for giving a sh*t.

 

sorry to go off on a tangent, but this thread shows how DYSFUNCTIONAL our society has become. Most of the "don't get involved" replies touch on "privacy" like this BIG SECRET is some concern for national security or something. Such a sense of self-importance by keeping a BIG SECRET (that everyone knows about anyways! LOL). It's regrettable that in the time of a problem, adults often choose to misdirect their attention (who was the gossip) from the real problem (their failing marriage and collateral damage). that is learned behaviour for whatever reason... glen

 

Interesting observation Glen. On the privacy thing, though, it should be said that while to us it is just a speedbump on the road of life, to that couple it is a Grand Canyon sized cliff. It can be very hurtful to realize everyone knows your private business, so there is an amount of sensitivity involved, more a sensitivity issue than a self-importance one I think. But like you said, first, everyone probably knows anyway, and second, if they don't they will know soon enough. It is a very interesting observation though, how we all walk around and act like we don't know what's going because that's the "proper" thing to do. Definitely learned.

 

I'm not sure if its 'walking around like we don't know what's going on', or just walking around being selective as to what we speak about, to ensure we're displaying sensitivity about touchy information.

Letting people bring it up themselves gives them a heightened sense of psychological security as it ensures they have the actual desire to speak about the issue; and it safeguards against bringing something to the surface that wasn't necessarily ready to come out for public airing. Whether people already know about the matter or not. If their not yapping about it, they MAY be trying to hide it for personal reasons

Timing is everything. When their ready for help, people like Kenny will be there for them and that's what counts.

 

If their not yapping about it, they MAY be trying to hide it for personal reasons

Timing surely is everything, but the fact is that these people's reaction was DYSFUNCTIONAL. If they told Kenny "this is a really personal issue and really need you to keep this private at this time"... that is a healthy reaction.

Freaking out is an unhealthy reaction... the emperor has no clothes... glen

 

I think when people try to hide something like this, it's because they have so many peripheral issues that need to be resolved. I think they feel that 'putting it out there' automatically solicits advice from anyone who cares to pipe in, and then your issues can become hopelessly confused by what you feel and what you're being told. So many issues to deal with, so many opinions to sort through...it must be mind numbing to a huge degree, as it all happens whle you need to keep your whole life going. Jobs and responsibilities certainly don't stop while all this is going on.

But then, this is likely very new to them as well, and certainly the kind of thing that makes you rethink what you know, and what you think you know. It can certainly be humbling. I wouldn't have been surprised if they reacted angrily, but I'm not surprised that they didn't, either. It is what it is, anger won't change that, and everyone in the world who cares (and hundreds that don't) were about to find out anyway. It might have taken a burden off their shoulders, as often happens when a secret is no longer a secret.

Ken, I don't think there was anything at all wrong in your approaching your neighbor and offering him your insights into the whole thing. I think that was a very unselfish act, and very considerate. There are a few people I might offer that type of advice to, but it's a short list.

jim

 

But Glen..... it's obvious two people contemplating divorce probably aren't operating in a "normal, well adjusted" manner. I have no doubt he used tact in his approach..... but to say someone told me???? Come on..... no matter how truthful that was, it should have been omitted from his conversation with them. Let's face it for a couple to be contemplating divorce, there's already been a breakdown in communication between the couple. Whether one spouse realized it or not. Stating he heard it elsewhere can only add to the turmoil.

 

Glens right in theory, its just hard for anyone to be well adjusted...even if your not going through an imminent divorce. I see his point though, its definitely something to aspire to.